It's been a bumpy ride

Nine years ago on October 25th at 2:13 p.m. in Enid, Oklahoma, I received the most amazing gift anyone could have ever given me. No, it wasn't on my Christmas list or my birthday list, but sometimes the most unexpected gifts are the best. So now as I sit here nine years later and think of where my life has been and what I have worked through and experienced over the last nine years I can see the growth I have made and the adversity I have overcome. I absolutely love, love, love being a mother, and I pray that one day, in the future, that I can relive the experience of watching a child grow inside of me and know that I am the one nourishing it and helping it thrive.

There is no doubt in my mind that I would not have had nearly all the struggles in my life if there had been someone in my life there by my side helping me along, helping me be a parent. I don't think, though, that not having that counterpart there with me affects me or will affect me as much now as it will impact my daughter in the short years to come. I am fearful of the day when she realizes just how much I have done for her to make her happy and she feels guilty for all that. I don't want her to feel guilty. Raising her alone is something, for the most part, that I chose to do. Everyone has the power to change a bad situation to a good. As much as I don't want her to feel guilty, I also do not want her to carry the same burden of regret that I sometimes carry. There are not too many things in my life that I regret, well, actually, none, because we all learn from our mistakes. Making mistakes is the only way one can truly learn and grow as a person. So, yes, I made mistakes, but nothing I would ever want to change. I maybe shouldn't have pushed so hard. I maybe shouldn't have forced things. I maybe shouldn't have tried to control too much. But who knows? All of this has happened for a reason. I believe that the good lord above has presented me with all these obstacles, frustrations, disappointments, heartbreaks, challenges for a reason.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. – Galatians 6:9

Frustration runs deep

Why is that dwelling on the past, reliving the past, remembering the past, and whatever else with the past is always easier than focusing on today and anticipating the future? I struggle on a daily basis with these ever-present thoughts of the past instead of living for today, enjoying what I have in the here and now, and just enjoying the moment. Could it be that I constantly surround myself with memorabilia of the time passed? Could it be that I wish I could back in time and right the wrongs I made? Or could it be that the single most precious and valuable thing in my life is a daily reminder of the past? Frustration then stems from not having answers to important questions. Important questions such as "what if?" and "what did I do so wrong?" and "why that one, not this one?". Will I ever have answers? Will I ever be able to forget and just move on? Forgiveness is a difficult thing. I think I have forgiven the people in my life who have done me wrong, but that does not mean that I have forgotten those wrongs. Does that mean I will carry about that baggage of the inability to forget?

the world is filled with excuses

One of my pet peeves, well one of many, is excuses. I am not a perfect person by any means nor do I claim to be, and I have probably been just as guilty as the next person for making excuses for not wanting to do something, but there are certain times and situations where I could really do without the excuses and would prefer the truth.

Students throw excuses at me all the time, most of them are just that - excuses. Very seldom is there a time when what they tell me is actually the truth. Don't get me wrong, not all my students lie and try to get around the truth, but for the most part if homework is not done there is an excuse, if they are late to class there is an excuse, if they fail a quiz there is an excuse. I expect this. It's the nature of the job. Working with teenagers, one comes to learn about excuses and all the different ones kids have.

But where we do not expect excuses to come from is someone we care about whom we think care about us. It's in relationships, especially the beginning stages of relationships, where excuses should be avoided. If we are not interested, if we are too busy, if we are afraid of getting hurt, if we are not ready, say it. Instead of pointing out the flaws, which we all know we have, focus on the excuses that are being thrown around. Focus that energy in making the excuses somewhere else. It takes courage to speak the truth. But as adults, even more, as humans, we are expected to speak the truth and be honest with each other. Honesty is not an easy pill to swallow nor an easy pill to administer, but in the end, it is what everyone wants and deserves.

We all have days where nothing seems to go right. We all have days when we think things cannot get much worse. I have had plenty of those days. But instead of focusing on all the negative, which is so much easier to do, what about the good things we have? What about the amazing child that lights up the room every time he or she walks through the door? What about the roof that is over our heads? What about the amazing people in our lives whom we call our friends? Why not focus on the positive things that God has given us instead of focusing on all the negativity this world embodies?

I am thankful for the life that God has given me. Even though I don't always say thank you and give back as much as I should, I am still grateful. I admit that I am guilty of making excuses; I admit that I have my flaws; I admit that I still carry around thoughts and feelings from the past, but all those things I am working on. My life is a work in progress. No one is perfect. It's hard to see the imperfections in some people, but I am sure they exist. I thank God for each day that I am here and for each day that I am given with my daughter.

I think I have digressed from the intention of this, but sometimes those things happen. Just as in life, the plan we have for ourselves does not always end up where we planned.

My, oh, my.....the life of a teacher!

So I must begin with a funny thing I overheard a student say the other day in class. Let me preface it by saying that my room is being used by another teacher during my plan period so I often stay in my room while she is teaching. The class she is teaching is a group of students who have not yet passed English I, which was to be passed their freshman year. There are several in the class who should technically be juniors by age but are still freshman by credits. Anyways, I don't even know what they were talking about but one student asked the question, "Why did they invent school?" I tried my hardest not to laugh and could only picture our country made up of these types of people who would never ever step foot in a school unless there was some kind of law that made them. Wow, can we say white trash hillbillies taking over the world? There were so many other things I wanted to say to this student, but for a sundry of reasons I kept my mouth shut and continued on with my business.

Do kids today not realize that without an education they are going nowhere? I guess maybe drug dealers or meth manufacturers wouldn't need a high school diploma, but how would they know how much of each substance to measure out, or how much change to give back to a buyer? I am amazed still at the number of kids who think floating through high school without so much as raising a finger or even minutely working is going to get them somewhere. I will admit that school is not for everyone, but what I think that means is school after high school is not for everyone. College is not for everyone is what I mean. This is not the problem I have with the kids I see walk the halls in our school today. The problem I see is apathy. But how can I change a person's attitude and make them care? That is next to impossible. Either we care or we don't. Is there a gray area there? I am positive they care about their cars, money, clothes, friends, having a good time on the weekends, but when it comes to school, that caring is nowhere to be found. So how do we change that?

I am scared for my daughter to grow up in this world. I don't want her to be pulled down by all the negativity around her. I want to shelter her from all the harm and evil the world has to offer. Let me deal with it; Let me face it; Let me take the brunt of the pain for her.

I will save the rest of my rant for another time.
-Jocelyn :)

In and Out of Time

In and Out of Time
by Maya Angelou

The sun has come
the mists have gone
we see in the distance
our long way home

I was always yours to have
you were always mine
we have loved each other
in and out of time

When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I have always loved you more

You freed your braids
gave your hair to the breeze
it hung like a hive of honey bees

I reached in the mass
for the sweet honeycomb there
Hah
God how I loved your hair

You saw me bludgened by circumstance
lost, injured, hurt by chance

I screamed to the Heavens
loudly screamed
trying to change our nightmares
into dreams

The sun has come
the mists have gone
we see in the distance
our long way home

I was yours to have
and you were always mine
we loved each other
in and out, in and out, in and out of time

Is it easier to forgive or to forget?

Tis' easier to forgive than to forget, tis' not? Well, really, I have no idea because I can't seem to do either one of those for some things that have happened in my life. By no means have I had a terrible upbringing that left me with so many emotional scars that I can hardly function, but I have faced some bumps in the road that I need to just plow down so I can lay some new foundation on those spots in my soul.

Last night I sat down to do my nightly reading in one of the three books I am currently trying to simultaneously complete in order to give me some direction in life and help me find some answers to many of tricky scenarios that life throws at each of us, but anyways, the chapter was about getting rid of the junk in your trunk. Now, first off, that phrase still makes me laugh as it did the author too. I won't digress and explain the meaning of what it is to have junk in the trunk (if you don't know then I suggest you go to urbandictionary.com and take a gander), but the meaning of it in this particular book is getting rid of all those things in our lives that seem to be weighing us down making it difficult to move on from those emotional scars that were made so long ago. Needless to say, this was a chapter where I highlighted a number of passages that "spoke" to me. I have junk in my trunk. In order to move on to and give myself to another person I have to unload all that junk so I am fully ready to replace it with new memories, new love, and focus on being a new me.

So that is why I ask if it is harder to forgive or to forget, or are those one in the same? I started a list last night after my reading of some of the "junk" I still carry with me. On this list I included several things that make it hard for me to trust another person, things that make it hard for me to fully internalize that I am worthy of having all that I deserve and what God wants to me have, things that make it difficult for me to look at myself and know that I am a good person. I know all that junk is there, but I need to find a place to unload it. I have already been guilty of unloading some of that junk onto someone else who doesn't deserve to punished for things that happened in my past.

Forgiveness, to me, is a work in progress and does nothing for the person whom I am forgiving. So I am working on forgiveness. I should have done it a long time ago, but I am at a crossroads in my life and starting to realize I can't live with the weight of this "junk" and the hurt that someone caused so long ago. I am not getting any younger, and I don't want to spend the next thirty years of my life with a heavy heart that might stand in the way of ever being able to fully commit to someone. I don't know if it is ever possible to forget, but forgiveness is something I need to make happen in order to get that junk out of my trunk.

The Invitation....a powerful poem

The Invitation By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
And if you dare to dream of meeting
Your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
For love, for your dream,
For the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
If you have been opened by life's betrayals,
Or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
Mine or your own,
Without moving
To hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy,
Mine or your own,If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
Without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty
Even when it is not pretty every day,
And if you can source your life From its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure,
Yours and mine,
And still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
Weary and bruised to the bone,
And do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here.I
want to know if you will stand In the center of the fire with me
And not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
From the inside
When all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
With yourself,
And if you truly like the company you keep In the empty moments.

it's funny how....

It's funny how decisions we make in our past can resurface only to cause or raise questions from another party. It's those same decisions we make in our past that we never think will impact us in the future, unless, it's a life changing decision, but then we all know how those end up impacting us.

It's funny how names and faces and people from our past can resurface only to make our lives either better, more enjoyable, more meaningful simply because we knew them when and now we know them now. Or it's those names, faces, people from our past who can resurface only to cause pain, heartache, anxiety, and defeat.

It's funny how we can go almost a decade without so much as a thought about a person from our past but when we come in contact with that person again it's like that person never changed or left.

It's funny how someone with so much potential and their life can just let it go to waste just like that.

It's funny how someone we care so little about can be the person who hurts us the most. It's that same person that brought us so much joy at one point in our life and then just turns around and brings so much pain.

It's funny how relationships work. It's even more funny how relationships work between a man and a woman when children are involved. Once what was getting all dressed up and all primped to hit the clubs as a means to break the ice and get to know each other is replaced with dressing up in a pair of cotton shorts and a T-shirt and going to the grocery store on a Friday night.

It's funny how quickly friendships change and, for some, fade. Once what was a close friend who we trusted is now nothing more than an acquaintance of whom we see on a not-so-regular basis.

It's funny how easy it is to sit here and write exactly what we feel but when we are asked close, personal, or even intimate questions the answer always seems to be "I don't know." No, I do know. I know the answer to what I look for in a guy. I know the answer to what I want out of life. So, when it is verbalized can I not get the answer out?

It's funny how I try to blog on a regular basis but I still have shared it with only a few people. I'm not ashamed of what I write. I'm not embarrassed by what I write. So why can't I just share this with even more people?

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I absolutely fell in love with this poem after watching a movie several years ago where Cameron Diaz read this at her sister's wedding. It was such a moving part of the movie that it almost brought me to tears. Actually, it did bring me to tears.

Poetry, for some people, is difficult to read and takes the reader nowhere. As a teacher, I see this all the time with students who don't like poetry simply because they "don't get it." What's not to get? Poetry has its own special message for each person who reads it. That, to me, is the beauty of poetry. If the reader cannot grasp even a small fraction of the message the poet is trying to convey then the beauty and true message is missed. I once had a teacher who said there is no right way to interpret a poem, it can mean so many different things, it's just how the reader interprets it. However, the problem with that is is that so many people need a black and white answer and leave no room for individual interpretation or any gray. I have kids who need to me to tell them exactly what the poem is saying in order for them to understand, giving them the metaphors and the symbolism and all the small pieces that makes the poem so appealing. To me, that takes away the beauty of reading poetry and connecting with poetry. If I have to tell you what it means then you have completely missed the boat. Let the poem speak to you. Feel the poem. 

I love this poem for the simple message the poet is conveying. No, I am not going to sit here and tell you what I think the poem says or means, because like I said, it must be the duty of the reader to interpret the poem and apply it however deems fitting. Read it. What does it say to you? 

Everything happens for a reason....

I found this on the Internet yesterday and completely agree 100% with what it says. It's those things in life that seem difficult at the time that end up paying huge dividends in the end. What may seem difficult at the time turns out to be a true blessing and happened for a reason. Even those horrible experiences were placed before us for a reason - to teach us how to adapt, to change, to grow, to deal, to learn. Life is a learning experience. I am still learning. I think once a person stops learning then life has no more meaning or significance. Whether it's learning about another person, learning about ourselves, or learning in general, life is about that.

Writing is my escape. I am not the best with words so when I can find a poem, a song, a card that says exactly what I am feeling or needing to say then that will be what I use to express those feelings. I wish I could take credit for writing the poem, but I think as I read and reread it I identify with it more and more.

People are brought into our lives to teach us about not only them but about us as well. We can grow from knowing that person. He or she can teach us something about ourselves that we didn't know even existed. Those people can push us to become a better person.

So here's the poem. Life happens. Life goes on whether we are ready for not. If we are not prepared then we will miss out. I don't want to miss out on what life has to offer me. I know there is something wonderful in store for me. Patience is something that I struggle with, however.

Everything Happens for a Reason

Sometimes people come into your life
and you know right away that they were meant to be there,
they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson
or help figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be;
your roommate, your neighbor, professor, long lost friend, lover
or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them,
you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you
and at the time they seem horrible, painful and unfair,
but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles
you would never have realized your potential, strength, will power of heart.

Everything happens for a reason.
Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck.
Illness, injury, love, lost moments or true greatness and sheer stupidity
all occur to test the limits of the soul.

Without these small tests,
if they be events, illnesses or relationships,
life would be like a smooth paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life and successes and downfalls you experience,
they are the ones who create who you are.
Even the bad experience can be learned from...
Those lessons are the hardest and probably the most important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart...
forgive them,
for they have helped you learn about trust
and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you,
love them back unconditionally,
not only because they love you,
but because they are teaching you to love
and opening your heart and eyes to things
you would have never seen or felt without them.

Make every day count.
Appreciate every moment
and take from it everything that you possibly can,
for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people you have never talked to before,
and actually listen,
let yourself fall in love,
break free and set your sights high.

You can make of your life anything you wish.
Create your own life and then go out and live it.

~~ Author Unknown ~~

Why settle?

I really enjoy when people look to me as an example for how to live single and relationship free and be completely fine with it. This strikes me as funny. I don't know why though. Could it be that I have not been in ONE serious relationship in the last eight years? Could it be that I haven't been on ONE real date in the last eight years? Who knows, but it still makes me laugh. Relationships are a tricky thing, especially when you have a child involved. Children change everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. No more making those spur of the moment decisions to go out or leave town on a whim. No more going to the bar every night looking for a man of the moment. No more decisions made just for me. Now, by all means that is not everything that changes, but those are a few that are acceptable to mention. Anyways, I have never been one to be in one relationship after another. I have never been one that always needs a guy by my side to make me complete or feel loved and secure. I think even before my daughter came along I wasn't this type of person. I don't understand those people who say they must have a boyfriend or they will just die and cannot go a week without having a boyfriend. In and out of relationships is not that healthy, honestly. Do those girls really know who they are? Do those girls really know what they want? Do those girls really know the meaning of single? It took me a long time to really figure out who I am and what I want out of life and especially in a relationship with another human being. So that is why it was so easy for me to live the past eight years single, independent, and content. I have grown into a better person, a stronger person, and at times, a more cynical person. Yes, that comes with the territory of seeing friends around me living a life in a long term relationship with kids or getting married. But I know who I am and what I want. Now don't get me wrong, there were times when I longed for someone to be there with me and to help me through raising a child, but if I would have given in to that I would have been settling. No one deserves to settle for something less than what they want. I don't plan on settling. If it's written in the stars that I am supposed to spend the rest of my life single, raising my child, and grow old and be known as the "old cat lady" then that's fine. But I don't think that is what God has planned for me. I really do think there is something or someone out there waiting to give me what I deserve. Everyone wants the fairy tale ending where we live happily ever after. I would rather be happy, know who I am, know what I want, than settle for someone that will not make me happy for the rest of my life. I don't ask for a lot in a relationship, but I do want to be happy. And for once in a long time, I can finally say that I am happy. I have my life in order and together and now it's time to let someone else in to add that missing piece of the puzzle.

I am a hopeless romantic...

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

I wish I could take credit for thinking of this and actually publishing this, but I cannot. However, after stumbling upon this earlier I keep going back to it and rereading it and truly connecting to it. It's funny how, when I look at my life just a month or two ago, how cynical I had become about ever finding someone in my life that will make me happy. I was completely cynical about finding the "perfect guy." I have been looking 32 years for the perfect guy never stopping to ask myself if he really exists. I never stopped to actually ask myself what exactly does that phrase "the perfect guy" mean? Does he have to have a "perfect" body? Does he have to have a "perfect" personality? I don't think so. Don't get me wrong, I have not lowered my standards by any means, but as I have aged (ha, aged) I have realized that by no means am I going to find perfection. But what I am going to find is someone who is "perfect" for me. I am going to find someone who is honest, caring, trusting, focused, driven, determined, loving, fatherly, dedicated, fun, devoted, and in love and there for me. Have I found that yet? Is there one person that exhibits all those traits? Two months ago I would have said no, not only no but hell no! But as I am venturing into the world of a life without so much skepticism and cynicism, I am realizing there may be someone in my life that may exhibit all those traits.

hope is a thing with feathers....

I am tired. But for the first time in a long time I am not emotionally tired or mentally tired, this is just a physically tired feeling. For the first time in a long time I feel like things are starting to swing my way. I don't want to go into too much detail for fear of jinxing anything, so hopefully after tomorrow I will be able to elaborate on this good thing that I feel is finally coming to me. Like I said in my last blog or the one before, I need to make a change. I am trying that. Summer is giving me all the time that I need to make some personal changes and I am taking full advantage of that time.

Father's Day just passed. I always have a hard place in my heart for that special day. Not because I lost my father and pray that that won't happen anytime soon, but I have a hard spot in my heart relating to my daughter. I have said this before and will continue to say it, but being in the situation I am in with my daughter is the best for me and for her. Yes, I would love for her to have a "dad" in her life on a regular basis, but as I see it now and probably for a really long time that will not happen. So, not only am I the mother, I am also the father. Yes, it is hard. Yes, I wish things were different. No, I would not trade playing both roles for anything. It will be hard to let someone in my life who wants to take the reigns and take care of me and my daughter, and it will be hard for me to let someone take care of Kalyn and me. So on that note, I am ready. I am so ready for all that comes with being in that place. I have waited, I have prayed, I have worked, I have been patient. And now, I think, I pray, I believe it all might have paid off. I am keeping my fingers crossed this time. It's so funny how quickly things change. Jobs change, friends change, lives change, but feelings about a person rarely change. You might disagree and challenge me on that statement, but how is it that a person someone knew and cared about almost ten years ago can suddenly reappear and it is possible to go straight back to those feelings you had all those years ago?

The doctor is in!

I have self diagnosed myself officially with a sleep disorder and anxiety problems. I cannot sleep, even if I wanted to. I constantly feel nervous and anxious. There are several contributing factors to these two ailments. Since I can't make the contributing factors disappear I need to start medicating myself in order to deal. I was up until 2:30 a.m. Monday morning due to storms and tornadoes in the area. I was awakened this morning at 4:45 by a lightning show taking place outside my window. Needless to say I am not a fan of storms. I do not mind the occasional rain shower now and again or a little rumble of thunder here and there, but the severe storms get me all worked up. I have decided something traumatic had to have happened in my childhood that caused me to have such a storm phobia. I must have repressed that memory so deep that it will never surface.

I try to take naps to ease the sleepless night and tired issue, but that only creates more problems. I do not fall asleep very quickly so that means my mind has free reign to think about whatever it wants. My mind wanders and roams to the most obscure and outrageous thoughts. It doesn't help that my daughter is not with me for the summer. I think if she were here I would have more time to talk to her and less time to think about things that don't need to be thought about.

Then this all leads to the anxiety issue that I am currently suffering from. Due the amount of information and different scenarios playing out in my mind involving my personal life, it causes me to become nervous feeling, anxious, jittery. Ugh. I would like that feeling to subside.

So, yep, I'm a doctor. Add it to my list of all my other titles, this one probably being one of the more impressive ones. Well, I'm signing off for today so I can go suffer from anxiety and let my mind wander to needless flights of fancy.

-Jocelyn :)

it's a hard knock life....

I have sat down five different times today to try to write something in this blog, but apparently it is summer and I am suffering from writers block. I guess I am trying to write something poetic, touching, moving, blah, blah, blah, but that is obviously not happening. Could it be that I have so many other things on my mind that is so far from moving and touching that I can't possibly find those words? Could it be that I am just not in the moving and touching state of mind? Whatever it is, I will probably start rambling at any point...but whatever.

So I have been in Mooreland for four days to see Kalyn. I went to a softball game, I watched her swim, I listened to all of her stories - all of those I have missed in the three weeks since she has been at my parents. I cannot believe she will be 9 years old in a few short months. Holy cow, where has the time gone? And I have said this in my other blogs, but she is truly the best thing that has happened to me. I cannot even imagine where I would be today if I had not had her. Would I still have the same friends today as I did 8 1/2 years ago? Would I have met such amazing people that eventually became my dearest and closest friends? Would I still be single? Ha. Would I still be single? I would say yes. I want perfection. That sounds so superficial and so far-fetched and this is probably the single biggest reason I am still solo. But the other two questions I would have to say no. I know it sounds weird, but I know that everything that has happened in my life in the past 8 1/2 years is directly connected to Kalyn. Everything happens for a reason. Kalyn was brought to me for a reason. My amazing friends in Ark City/Winfield/Stillwater/and now Virginia were all brought to me for a reason. It is not my job to ask why, nor is it my job to attempt to figure that out, but it is my job to live every day with these gifts and cherish them as long as I may live.

People have come in and out of my life, several of them I know why, but I won't delve into that because it's not that hard to figure out. However, there are a few people who disappear from my mind and life for a short time, yet they reemerge when least expected. Again, it's not my job to figure out why but merely to accept it, be excited about it, and know that time will tell what role this person will play in my life.

I need to make a change in my life. I need to make some personal changes. It takes 21 days to make something a habit. Therefore, I am thinking that I will set aside 21 days between now and August to start some of those changes. I need to exercise. I need to budget my money. I need to lose weight. I need to make things happen for myself instead of sitting back and waiting on things to happen to me. I know I can't change myself overnight, but there is promise and this voice in the back of my mind telling me to start enjoying life and embracing life instead of sitting on my ass doing nothing while waiting for something good to happen to me. I had this crazy idea that I needed to sit down and make a list of all the things I want to do before I die. Apparently that was just a crazy thought in my mind because I haven't even come close to making that list. So I guess that is where I need to start. But honestly, probably not going to happen tonight. I have a daughter to spend time with.

Lots of rambles,
-Jocelyn :)

history...

Yesterday was a momentous occasion. I will admit, this is the first time in my life that I was and am actually excited about politics and eager to talk about the future of our country. Watching the inauguration yesterday filled me with so much hope and optimism for my future and the future of Kalyn. Yes, we have a long way to go; change will not come immediate, but at least that change is on the horizon. It's funny that we made our kids at school watch the inauguration yesterday during class and only a few fellow colleagues have commented on how interested their kids were in witnessing history. Little do they realize they are the future. Little do they realize much of anything else, but this was and is something different. The first time in history for an African-American president. Wow! With the obvious fact that Kalyn is biracial (just like Obama), I feel a special connection to this historic moment. It is so neat to listen to her talk about Obama. She might know more about him than a majority of kids here at the high school! I loved it when my AP kids came to class today already expecting to do some kind of work about the inauguration speech! How well they know me!

Anyways, I, for some reason, am struggling with the words flowing out of me like they often do. So much to say but also fearful of saying too much. I have always been one to hold my tongue for fear of what others will say or think of me. I like to think that I have changed somewhat with regards to what others think of me, but I am not sure that I really have. I am a people pleaser to an extent. I will apologize for saying things that may be harsh but really need to be said. I caught myself at a faculty meeting in August apologizing to the administration for voicing an opinion that I know 85% of the faculty agreed with. Why? Who knows. I do the same with my friends and in relationships. Instead of saying something that might be hurtful for fear of losing a friend or getting a severe verbal assault, I leave it alone. It almost sounds like I am not being true to myself. And in a sense of the word, I am not. I am not always completely honest with me. I am fearful of change. I am a creature of habit. I have a fear of the unknown. I would love to pack up everything I have and move far away from here, but that involves change and the unknown. But why go through life living in mediocrity? Why settle? I often catch myself asking the same question when it comes to guys. Wouldn't it be easier to just quit waiting on "the one" to come along and just move on to my Plan B? But what happens when Plan B is no longer there? I'm rambling...

The meaning of happiness...

This is my meaning of happiness...

Kalyn Jaye is THE most amazing gift anyone could have ever given me. Being a mom is one of those things I didn't expect to happen until later in life after I had a stable job, I had a nice home, and a husband who would be there with me in raising our child. My how things change, rearrange, and how things work. I have one of the three, 25%, that isn't bad. But am I happy with that? Who would be? But what I can say that I am happy with is the life that I have made for myself and Kalyn. She will never have to experience a life without love, without family, without clothes on her back, without a roof over her head. Yes, I struggle on a day to day basis, but who doesn't? Your struggle may just a bit different than mine.

I never thought I would be a single mother. I even hate using that label "single mother". It carries such negative connotations. Not only does it directly state that I am the sole provider for my child, but it also implies that I am "single". Which in every sense of the word, I am. I am a single, 31-year-old mother of one raising an 8 year old. This 8 year old has given me so much joy and happiness since she came along that I don't even feel bad for being the sole provider or the single mother. This just means I get her all to myself. I don't have to share her, I don't have to put her through the stress of living two separate lives, I don't have to compete for her attention and love.

Kalyn happened, she was not planned by any stretch of the imagination. I was not prepared; I was not ready; I was still somewhat of a child myself. But I am thankful that I was not like one of the fifteen or twenty girls walking the halls of this school whom are either carrying a child inside them or already have one at home. I was 22. I had family support. It took time, but the support, love, and acceptance finally came. The funny thing about that statement is now the person who was the hardest to tell about the unexpected pregnancy AND the biracial child is now the person asking for more grandbabies! Go figure!

It is funny how things work out in life. Is this where I would have been if I had not had Kalyn eight years ago? I honestly don't believe so. But things change, things rearrange, and more often than not, they turn out better than expected! I may not be 100% all of the time with my life (mainly when it comes to the material things in life), but I can tell you that I am truly happy 100% of the time when it comes to my child. Looking at her, watching her laugh, listening to her read gives me happiness and joy.