it's a hard knock life....

I have sat down five different times today to try to write something in this blog, but apparently it is summer and I am suffering from writers block. I guess I am trying to write something poetic, touching, moving, blah, blah, blah, but that is obviously not happening. Could it be that I have so many other things on my mind that is so far from moving and touching that I can't possibly find those words? Could it be that I am just not in the moving and touching state of mind? Whatever it is, I will probably start rambling at any point...but whatever.

So I have been in Mooreland for four days to see Kalyn. I went to a softball game, I watched her swim, I listened to all of her stories - all of those I have missed in the three weeks since she has been at my parents. I cannot believe she will be 9 years old in a few short months. Holy cow, where has the time gone? And I have said this in my other blogs, but she is truly the best thing that has happened to me. I cannot even imagine where I would be today if I had not had her. Would I still have the same friends today as I did 8 1/2 years ago? Would I have met such amazing people that eventually became my dearest and closest friends? Would I still be single? Ha. Would I still be single? I would say yes. I want perfection. That sounds so superficial and so far-fetched and this is probably the single biggest reason I am still solo. But the other two questions I would have to say no. I know it sounds weird, but I know that everything that has happened in my life in the past 8 1/2 years is directly connected to Kalyn. Everything happens for a reason. Kalyn was brought to me for a reason. My amazing friends in Ark City/Winfield/Stillwater/and now Virginia were all brought to me for a reason. It is not my job to ask why, nor is it my job to attempt to figure that out, but it is my job to live every day with these gifts and cherish them as long as I may live.

People have come in and out of my life, several of them I know why, but I won't delve into that because it's not that hard to figure out. However, there are a few people who disappear from my mind and life for a short time, yet they reemerge when least expected. Again, it's not my job to figure out why but merely to accept it, be excited about it, and know that time will tell what role this person will play in my life.

I need to make a change in my life. I need to make some personal changes. It takes 21 days to make something a habit. Therefore, I am thinking that I will set aside 21 days between now and August to start some of those changes. I need to exercise. I need to budget my money. I need to lose weight. I need to make things happen for myself instead of sitting back and waiting on things to happen to me. I know I can't change myself overnight, but there is promise and this voice in the back of my mind telling me to start enjoying life and embracing life instead of sitting on my ass doing nothing while waiting for something good to happen to me. I had this crazy idea that I needed to sit down and make a list of all the things I want to do before I die. Apparently that was just a crazy thought in my mind because I haven't even come close to making that list. So I guess that is where I need to start. But honestly, probably not going to happen tonight. I have a daughter to spend time with.

Lots of rambles,
-Jocelyn :)