history...

Yesterday was a momentous occasion. I will admit, this is the first time in my life that I was and am actually excited about politics and eager to talk about the future of our country. Watching the inauguration yesterday filled me with so much hope and optimism for my future and the future of Kalyn. Yes, we have a long way to go; change will not come immediate, but at least that change is on the horizon. It's funny that we made our kids at school watch the inauguration yesterday during class and only a few fellow colleagues have commented on how interested their kids were in witnessing history. Little do they realize they are the future. Little do they realize much of anything else, but this was and is something different. The first time in history for an African-American president. Wow! With the obvious fact that Kalyn is biracial (just like Obama), I feel a special connection to this historic moment. It is so neat to listen to her talk about Obama. She might know more about him than a majority of kids here at the high school! I loved it when my AP kids came to class today already expecting to do some kind of work about the inauguration speech! How well they know me!

Anyways, I, for some reason, am struggling with the words flowing out of me like they often do. So much to say but also fearful of saying too much. I have always been one to hold my tongue for fear of what others will say or think of me. I like to think that I have changed somewhat with regards to what others think of me, but I am not sure that I really have. I am a people pleaser to an extent. I will apologize for saying things that may be harsh but really need to be said. I caught myself at a faculty meeting in August apologizing to the administration for voicing an opinion that I know 85% of the faculty agreed with. Why? Who knows. I do the same with my friends and in relationships. Instead of saying something that might be hurtful for fear of losing a friend or getting a severe verbal assault, I leave it alone. It almost sounds like I am not being true to myself. And in a sense of the word, I am not. I am not always completely honest with me. I am fearful of change. I am a creature of habit. I have a fear of the unknown. I would love to pack up everything I have and move far away from here, but that involves change and the unknown. But why go through life living in mediocrity? Why settle? I often catch myself asking the same question when it comes to guys. Wouldn't it be easier to just quit waiting on "the one" to come along and just move on to my Plan B? But what happens when Plan B is no longer there? I'm rambling...