“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”
I wish I could take credit for thinking of this and actually publishing this, but I cannot. However, after stumbling upon this earlier I keep going back to it and rereading it and truly connecting to it. It's funny how, when I look at my life just a month or two ago, how cynical I had become about ever finding someone in my life that will make me happy. I was completely cynical about finding the "perfect guy." I have been looking 32 years for the perfect guy never stopping to ask myself if he really exists. I never stopped to actually ask myself what exactly does that phrase "the perfect guy" mean? Does he have to have a "perfect" body? Does he have to have a "perfect" personality? I don't think so. Don't get me wrong, I have not lowered my standards by any means, but as I have aged (ha, aged) I have realized that by no means am I going to find perfection. But what I am going to find is someone who is "perfect" for me. I am going to find someone who is honest, caring, trusting, focused, driven, determined, loving, fatherly, dedicated, fun, devoted, and in love and there for me. Have I found that yet? Is there one person that exhibits all those traits? Two months ago I would have said no, not only no but hell no! But as I am venturing into the world of a life without so much skepticism and cynicism, I am realizing there may be someone in my life that may exhibit all those traits.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
hope is a thing with feathers....
I am tired. But for the first time in a long time I am not emotionally tired or mentally tired, this is just a physically tired feeling. For the first time in a long time I feel like things are starting to swing my way. I don't want to go into too much detail for fear of jinxing anything, so hopefully after tomorrow I will be able to elaborate on this good thing that I feel is finally coming to me. Like I said in my last blog or the one before, I need to make a change. I am trying that. Summer is giving me all the time that I need to make some personal changes and I am taking full advantage of that time.
Father's Day just passed. I always have a hard place in my heart for that special day. Not because I lost my father and pray that that won't happen anytime soon, but I have a hard spot in my heart relating to my daughter. I have said this before and will continue to say it, but being in the situation I am in with my daughter is the best for me and for her. Yes, I would love for her to have a "dad" in her life on a regular basis, but as I see it now and probably for a really long time that will not happen. So, not only am I the mother, I am also the father. Yes, it is hard. Yes, I wish things were different. No, I would not trade playing both roles for anything. It will be hard to let someone in my life who wants to take the reigns and take care of me and my daughter, and it will be hard for me to let someone take care of Kalyn and me. So on that note, I am ready. I am so ready for all that comes with being in that place. I have waited, I have prayed, I have worked, I have been patient. And now, I think, I pray, I believe it all might have paid off. I am keeping my fingers crossed this time. It's so funny how quickly things change. Jobs change, friends change, lives change, but feelings about a person rarely change. You might disagree and challenge me on that statement, but how is it that a person someone knew and cared about almost ten years ago can suddenly reappear and it is possible to go straight back to those feelings you had all those years ago?
Father's Day just passed. I always have a hard place in my heart for that special day. Not because I lost my father and pray that that won't happen anytime soon, but I have a hard spot in my heart relating to my daughter. I have said this before and will continue to say it, but being in the situation I am in with my daughter is the best for me and for her. Yes, I would love for her to have a "dad" in her life on a regular basis, but as I see it now and probably for a really long time that will not happen. So, not only am I the mother, I am also the father. Yes, it is hard. Yes, I wish things were different. No, I would not trade playing both roles for anything. It will be hard to let someone in my life who wants to take the reigns and take care of me and my daughter, and it will be hard for me to let someone take care of Kalyn and me. So on that note, I am ready. I am so ready for all that comes with being in that place. I have waited, I have prayed, I have worked, I have been patient. And now, I think, I pray, I believe it all might have paid off. I am keeping my fingers crossed this time. It's so funny how quickly things change. Jobs change, friends change, lives change, but feelings about a person rarely change. You might disagree and challenge me on that statement, but how is it that a person someone knew and cared about almost ten years ago can suddenly reappear and it is possible to go straight back to those feelings you had all those years ago?
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The doctor is in!
I have self diagnosed myself officially with a sleep disorder and anxiety problems. I cannot sleep, even if I wanted to. I constantly feel nervous and anxious. There are several contributing factors to these two ailments. Since I can't make the contributing factors disappear I need to start medicating myself in order to deal. I was up until 2:30 a.m. Monday morning due to storms and tornadoes in the area. I was awakened this morning at 4:45 by a lightning show taking place outside my window. Needless to say I am not a fan of storms. I do not mind the occasional rain shower now and again or a little rumble of thunder here and there, but the severe storms get me all worked up. I have decided something traumatic had to have happened in my childhood that caused me to have such a storm phobia. I must have repressed that memory so deep that it will never surface.
I try to take naps to ease the sleepless night and tired issue, but that only creates more problems. I do not fall asleep very quickly so that means my mind has free reign to think about whatever it wants. My mind wanders and roams to the most obscure and outrageous thoughts. It doesn't help that my daughter is not with me for the summer. I think if she were here I would have more time to talk to her and less time to think about things that don't need to be thought about.
Then this all leads to the anxiety issue that I am currently suffering from. Due the amount of information and different scenarios playing out in my mind involving my personal life, it causes me to become nervous feeling, anxious, jittery. Ugh. I would like that feeling to subside.
So, yep, I'm a doctor. Add it to my list of all my other titles, this one probably being one of the more impressive ones. Well, I'm signing off for today so I can go suffer from anxiety and let my mind wander to needless flights of fancy.
-Jocelyn :)
I try to take naps to ease the sleepless night and tired issue, but that only creates more problems. I do not fall asleep very quickly so that means my mind has free reign to think about whatever it wants. My mind wanders and roams to the most obscure and outrageous thoughts. It doesn't help that my daughter is not with me for the summer. I think if she were here I would have more time to talk to her and less time to think about things that don't need to be thought about.
Then this all leads to the anxiety issue that I am currently suffering from. Due the amount of information and different scenarios playing out in my mind involving my personal life, it causes me to become nervous feeling, anxious, jittery. Ugh. I would like that feeling to subside.
So, yep, I'm a doctor. Add it to my list of all my other titles, this one probably being one of the more impressive ones. Well, I'm signing off for today so I can go suffer from anxiety and let my mind wander to needless flights of fancy.
-Jocelyn :)
Saturday, June 13, 2009
it's a hard knock life....
I have sat down five different times today to try to write something in this blog, but apparently it is summer and I am suffering from writers block. I guess I am trying to write something poetic, touching, moving, blah, blah, blah, but that is obviously not happening. Could it be that I have so many other things on my mind that is so far from moving and touching that I can't possibly find those words? Could it be that I am just not in the moving and touching state of mind? Whatever it is, I will probably start rambling at any point...but whatever.
So I have been in Mooreland for four days to see Kalyn. I went to a softball game, I watched her swim, I listened to all of her stories - all of those I have missed in the three weeks since she has been at my parents. I cannot believe she will be 9 years old in a few short months. Holy cow, where has the time gone? And I have said this in my other blogs, but she is truly the best thing that has happened to me. I cannot even imagine where I would be today if I had not had her. Would I still have the same friends today as I did 8 1/2 years ago? Would I have met such amazing people that eventually became my dearest and closest friends? Would I still be single? Ha. Would I still be single? I would say yes. I want perfection. That sounds so superficial and so far-fetched and this is probably the single biggest reason I am still solo. But the other two questions I would have to say no. I know it sounds weird, but I know that everything that has happened in my life in the past 8 1/2 years is directly connected to Kalyn. Everything happens for a reason. Kalyn was brought to me for a reason. My amazing friends in Ark City/Winfield/Stillwater/and now Virginia were all brought to me for a reason. It is not my job to ask why, nor is it my job to attempt to figure that out, but it is my job to live every day with these gifts and cherish them as long as I may live.
People have come in and out of my life, several of them I know why, but I won't delve into that because it's not that hard to figure out. However, there are a few people who disappear from my mind and life for a short time, yet they reemerge when least expected. Again, it's not my job to figure out why but merely to accept it, be excited about it, and know that time will tell what role this person will play in my life.
I need to make a change in my life. I need to make some personal changes. It takes 21 days to make something a habit. Therefore, I am thinking that I will set aside 21 days between now and August to start some of those changes. I need to exercise. I need to budget my money. I need to lose weight. I need to make things happen for myself instead of sitting back and waiting on things to happen to me. I know I can't change myself overnight, but there is promise and this voice in the back of my mind telling me to start enjoying life and embracing life instead of sitting on my ass doing nothing while waiting for something good to happen to me. I had this crazy idea that I needed to sit down and make a list of all the things I want to do before I die. Apparently that was just a crazy thought in my mind because I haven't even come close to making that list. So I guess that is where I need to start. But honestly, probably not going to happen tonight. I have a daughter to spend time with.
Lots of rambles,
-Jocelyn :)
So I have been in Mooreland for four days to see Kalyn. I went to a softball game, I watched her swim, I listened to all of her stories - all of those I have missed in the three weeks since she has been at my parents. I cannot believe she will be 9 years old in a few short months. Holy cow, where has the time gone? And I have said this in my other blogs, but she is truly the best thing that has happened to me. I cannot even imagine where I would be today if I had not had her. Would I still have the same friends today as I did 8 1/2 years ago? Would I have met such amazing people that eventually became my dearest and closest friends? Would I still be single? Ha. Would I still be single? I would say yes. I want perfection. That sounds so superficial and so far-fetched and this is probably the single biggest reason I am still solo. But the other two questions I would have to say no. I know it sounds weird, but I know that everything that has happened in my life in the past 8 1/2 years is directly connected to Kalyn. Everything happens for a reason. Kalyn was brought to me for a reason. My amazing friends in Ark City/Winfield/Stillwater/and now Virginia were all brought to me for a reason. It is not my job to ask why, nor is it my job to attempt to figure that out, but it is my job to live every day with these gifts and cherish them as long as I may live.
People have come in and out of my life, several of them I know why, but I won't delve into that because it's not that hard to figure out. However, there are a few people who disappear from my mind and life for a short time, yet they reemerge when least expected. Again, it's not my job to figure out why but merely to accept it, be excited about it, and know that time will tell what role this person will play in my life.
I need to make a change in my life. I need to make some personal changes. It takes 21 days to make something a habit. Therefore, I am thinking that I will set aside 21 days between now and August to start some of those changes. I need to exercise. I need to budget my money. I need to lose weight. I need to make things happen for myself instead of sitting back and waiting on things to happen to me. I know I can't change myself overnight, but there is promise and this voice in the back of my mind telling me to start enjoying life and embracing life instead of sitting on my ass doing nothing while waiting for something good to happen to me. I had this crazy idea that I needed to sit down and make a list of all the things I want to do before I die. Apparently that was just a crazy thought in my mind because I haven't even come close to making that list. So I guess that is where I need to start. But honestly, probably not going to happen tonight. I have a daughter to spend time with.
Lots of rambles,
-Jocelyn :)
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