If Life Were a Movie....

I have become emotionally attached to songs before, so much that I listen to them over and over again internalizing the words and finding every way the song and lyrics relate to my life. The most recent song I've become attached to is "If This Was a Movie" by Taylor Swift. I know I've posted this before about how I wish my life was like a movie. Despite all the struggles, the guy and girl always end up together in the end. It's either a chance meeting between two strangers or two people who have had a difficult past, but either way, the two end up together. However, life isn't a movie. Life will never be a movie. Life isn't that easy.

Last night I heard my own heart beating
Sounded like footsteps on my stairs
Six months gone and I'm still reaching
Even though I know you're not there
I was playing back a thousand memories baby
Thinkin bout everything we've been through
Maybe i've been going back too much lately
When time stood still and I had you

Come back come back come back to me like
You would you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside til I came out
Come back come back come back to me like
You could you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we can work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

I know people change and these things happen
But I remember how it was back then
Locked up in your arms and our friends are laughing
Cause nothing like this ever happened to them
Now I'm pacing down the hall
Chasing down your street
Flashback to the night when you said to me
Nothings gonna change not for me and you
Not before I knew how much I had to lose

Come back come back come back to me like
You would you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside til i came out
Come back come back come back to me like

You could you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we can work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

If you're out there if you're somewhere if you're moving on
I've be waiting for you ever since you've been gone
I just want it back the way it was before
And i just wanna see you back at my front door
And i'd say

Come back come back come back to me like
You would before you said its not that easy
Before the fight before i locked you out
But i'd take it all back now

Come back come back come back to me like
You would you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside til i came out
Come back come back come back to me like
You could you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we could work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

You'd be here by now
It's not the kind of ending you wanna see now
Baby what about the ending
Oh i thought you'd be here by now oh ohh ohh ohh
That you'd be here by now.

Things happen in our lives, both expected and unexpected, but with me I'm always trying to figure out why those things happen and what I could have done differently to change the outcome. Was I too forceful? Did I not say what you wanted me to say? Did I not say or do enough? What if this wouldn't have happened, would we still be where we are today? What I do wrong that others did right? I could go on and on.

Fear of disappointment is something I constantly struggle with. I'm 33, and I still worry about disappointing people. If I make you made or upset, that's one thing, but if I disappoint you, that's something entirely different. The anger will soon fade, but the disappointment will linger. But how healthy can that be to live a life of constant worry about disappointing those around me? Not very much, I'm sure. There are decisions that I've made that haven't pleased this person or that person, and  I know there will be future decisions that will be made that won't please this person or that person. I have to understand that whatever the decision, if those people who I fear disappointing love me, they will support whatever decision I make and won't judge or stay mad too long. And it's those people who can't accept the decision and be supportive of the decision that I don't need in my life.

So I guess the next step in making a major decision after the fear of disappointment is getting over the fear of making the decision in general. What if this isn't what I want? What if I have imagined this in my mind to play out a certain way, but only to find the reality is completely different? Change is a scary thing, but I can't imagine going through life doing the same thing day after day and not enjoying the life that God has provided for me. What's that quote, "If you don't like something, change it"? If only we had a crystal ball to peer into and see all the things the future holds for us. I wouldn't want to see everything; I'm not that greedy,but I would like to see where I am in the next ten years. I know God has a plan for me, and I can't question that plan that he has laid out for me, but it's hard to really understand that when there are so many obstacles and battles that keep presenting themselves. 

If one decision has been made ten years ago, I know that my life would be drastically different right now. But I can't worry about the past. The past is the past. I don't live in a movie. I can't go back in time and change things. I can control the things right now that I have control over, but I have to put aside those things that I have no control over and simply focus on the here and now and not worry about the fear of disappointment.