history...

Yesterday was a momentous occasion. I will admit, this is the first time in my life that I was and am actually excited about politics and eager to talk about the future of our country. Watching the inauguration yesterday filled me with so much hope and optimism for my future and the future of Kalyn. Yes, we have a long way to go; change will not come immediate, but at least that change is on the horizon. It's funny that we made our kids at school watch the inauguration yesterday during class and only a few fellow colleagues have commented on how interested their kids were in witnessing history. Little do they realize they are the future. Little do they realize much of anything else, but this was and is something different. The first time in history for an African-American president. Wow! With the obvious fact that Kalyn is biracial (just like Obama), I feel a special connection to this historic moment. It is so neat to listen to her talk about Obama. She might know more about him than a majority of kids here at the high school! I loved it when my AP kids came to class today already expecting to do some kind of work about the inauguration speech! How well they know me!

Anyways, I, for some reason, am struggling with the words flowing out of me like they often do. So much to say but also fearful of saying too much. I have always been one to hold my tongue for fear of what others will say or think of me. I like to think that I have changed somewhat with regards to what others think of me, but I am not sure that I really have. I am a people pleaser to an extent. I will apologize for saying things that may be harsh but really need to be said. I caught myself at a faculty meeting in August apologizing to the administration for voicing an opinion that I know 85% of the faculty agreed with. Why? Who knows. I do the same with my friends and in relationships. Instead of saying something that might be hurtful for fear of losing a friend or getting a severe verbal assault, I leave it alone. It almost sounds like I am not being true to myself. And in a sense of the word, I am not. I am not always completely honest with me. I am fearful of change. I am a creature of habit. I have a fear of the unknown. I would love to pack up everything I have and move far away from here, but that involves change and the unknown. But why go through life living in mediocrity? Why settle? I often catch myself asking the same question when it comes to guys. Wouldn't it be easier to just quit waiting on "the one" to come along and just move on to my Plan B? But what happens when Plan B is no longer there? I'm rambling...

The meaning of happiness...

This is my meaning of happiness...

Kalyn Jaye is THE most amazing gift anyone could have ever given me. Being a mom is one of those things I didn't expect to happen until later in life after I had a stable job, I had a nice home, and a husband who would be there with me in raising our child. My how things change, rearrange, and how things work. I have one of the three, 25%, that isn't bad. But am I happy with that? Who would be? But what I can say that I am happy with is the life that I have made for myself and Kalyn. She will never have to experience a life without love, without family, without clothes on her back, without a roof over her head. Yes, I struggle on a day to day basis, but who doesn't? Your struggle may just a bit different than mine.

I never thought I would be a single mother. I even hate using that label "single mother". It carries such negative connotations. Not only does it directly state that I am the sole provider for my child, but it also implies that I am "single". Which in every sense of the word, I am. I am a single, 31-year-old mother of one raising an 8 year old. This 8 year old has given me so much joy and happiness since she came along that I don't even feel bad for being the sole provider or the single mother. This just means I get her all to myself. I don't have to share her, I don't have to put her through the stress of living two separate lives, I don't have to compete for her attention and love.

Kalyn happened, she was not planned by any stretch of the imagination. I was not prepared; I was not ready; I was still somewhat of a child myself. But I am thankful that I was not like one of the fifteen or twenty girls walking the halls of this school whom are either carrying a child inside them or already have one at home. I was 22. I had family support. It took time, but the support, love, and acceptance finally came. The funny thing about that statement is now the person who was the hardest to tell about the unexpected pregnancy AND the biracial child is now the person asking for more grandbabies! Go figure!

It is funny how things work out in life. Is this where I would have been if I had not had Kalyn eight years ago? I honestly don't believe so. But things change, things rearrange, and more often than not, they turn out better than expected! I may not be 100% all of the time with my life (mainly when it comes to the material things in life), but I can tell you that I am truly happy 100% of the time when it comes to my child. Looking at her, watching her laugh, listening to her read gives me happiness and joy.