Two weeks until 18.

I don't know how my mother did it. I don't know how she raised three girls, two of them being only two years apart. I only have one daughter, but now I am really starting to realize exactly what it means to have a daughter.

She is two weeks from being ten. TEN! Aaaaggghhh!!! Where has the time gone? Ten is double digits. Next thing I know, she'll be fourteen and going to high school and her first homecoming dance. Time has got to slow down...just for a bit at least.

Wednesday nights on ABC is probably the best night of tv ever. The Middle, Modern Family, Cougar Town....so hilarious. So on Cougar Town the other night, Jules' (Courtney Cox) son left for college, which left her in a complete disarray. As funny as the show is, and as I was laughing out loud at most of the humor in the episode, I received a text from my best friend that said "that's totally gonna be you when Kalyn goes to school if you don't have another kid." Oh my gosh, thank you for reminding me of that! So then my life skipped from her being 9 1/2 straight to 18. It scares me beyond belief to even think about the day when she leaves me, when she moves out on her own, when she isn't under my roof everyday and every night. She often tells me she will live with me until she's 30. I'm ok with that. She also tells me I can go to college with her. I'm ok with that. I want to protect her from the big bad world out there. I don't want her bullied. I don't want her to become like some of the rude and hateful little girls I see on a daily basis. I don't want my daughter to be the girl that everyone says is rude, hateful, stuck up, and a royal B. That's not her and that's not the child I have raised.

So anyways, back to the second part of the problem on the show and the second part of the text. Jules is 40 and losing her only child, thus sending her into a nervous breakdown, of sorts, from dealing with him leaving. What if Kalyn is it? What if I only get the chance to have this one child? I don't want to be one of those selfish people when there are women out there who will never be able to have a child, but I do want another child. I guess there's always the sperm bank! Ha! Just joking. If Kalyn is the only child I am meant to have then at least I have done my best thus far to raise her in the right way and teach her to value the important things in life.

I am so glad I had a girl. I wouldn't know what to do with a boy. Having three sisters, all female cousins, and being a girl myself, it just seems natural and easier this way. However, as Kalyn gets older, I know the next few years will bring those changes that I'm not sure I am ready to face. She's already asking for a padded bra. Do they even make a padded bra in her size? Really? Oh, I'm not ready for it all. Let's go back to diapers, bottles, and pacifiers. Let's go back to when she could sit on my lap or lay on my chest and we would sleep for hours at a time.

My little girl is not my little girl anymore. Now, she is two weeks from ten, soon she will be two weeks from 18.

You love to give me wedding rings

I am a sucker for a love song...this played last night at the end of Scrubs, and I have tried before the find who sings this and also the lyrics, and finally I have! Someday my prince will come, I am confident, and he will bring me wedding rings. Well, maybe just one wedding ring would suffice. I don't want to be selfish.

The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures,
and instructions for dancing

But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it's just transcendental
Some of it's just really dumb

But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know

But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings

Bibbity Bobbity Boo!

I wish magic wands were real.

I wish fairy tales existed.

I believe in fairy tales, romantic movies, and happy endings. Cynicism hasn't got the best of me yet.....the operative word being yet.

I don't want to become a cynic about love but with each passing day, I find myself questioning life, happiness, and happy endings more and more. I watch romantic movies hoping that one day that happy ending will happen to me. I live in a fairytale world where the girl always gets the guy of her dreams, who just happens to be tall, dark, handsome, has his life in order, doesn't have any skeletons in the closet, isn't afraid of a commitment, etc. Some would say that does exist. Where may I ask? I am 33 and have yet to find anyone or anything close to what happens in Tyler Perry movies or those other romantic movies I watch. I need to venture out of my fantasy world and live a day in the real world. But wait, I live everyday in the real world. The real world of raising a child on my own. The real world of working a full-time job that requires more of my attention than it should. The real world where I want to give my daughter everything but have limited resources. So let's reverse that statement. I need to venture out of the real world and live a day in the fantasy world. There, that sounds better. Where's Tyler Perry when I need him? Is my life thus far movie worthy? Could he afford to fashion a movie after my somewhat uneventful life? I would watch it. But only if I knew the ending. Therein lies the problem with living in a fantasy/movie world. In a movie, I know how it's going to end. In my life, I have no idea. The only certainty at this point is death. That is the only certainty any of us know. So then, where is my magic wand?

One wish is all I need. Ok, well, maybe like three or four. 1. To see my life in twenty years from now. 2. To marry the man of my dreams (hopefully before the afore mentioned twenty years from now). And I will save wishes three and four for me. I can't be telling all my business! I think if I asked some of my friends this question, going back in time might be a wish they have. Not back in time, like in prehistoric, Elizabethan England, colonial times, but just back about ten years to the prime of our college years. Would our lives have changed if we would have made a different decision? Would we will still be where we are today if we had chosen differently, acted differently, or reacted differently those ten or eleven years ago?

 I have learned over time not to question why things happen. If we sit around questioning and worrying and wondering why this happened or why this didn't happen, it would add years to our lives. I don't know about anybody else, but I want those years added to my life not subtracted because I wasted time worrying and wondering if I could have changed anything.

I'm not going to lie, the thought does intrigue me. The thought does sometimes linger, where would I be if I would have stayed with that jackass boyfriend I wasted two years of my life on in college? Scary thought. Makes me cringe just thinking about it. But other thoughts, much more positive thoughts linger as well. Where would my life be right now if I had not had Kalyn? Would I be married? Would I be living where I am today? Would I be in the profession I am? Would I have kids? But we can't dwell on those "what if's." It's not healthy in any way - physically, mentally, or emotionally. We have to be able to see the bigger picture that's been placed before us. We have been given what we have as a gift. A gift that we shouldn't take for granted or every question if we even deserved this gift in the first place. I was given the gift of a child. For others it may be the gift of song, the gift of marriage (which I hope that present is still under the tree with my name on it and I just haven't opened it yet), the gift of wisdom, etc. We can't question. We have to accept it with pride and learn to live with it the best way we know how. It may not be what we wanted or expected, but there is a reason it (the gift) was given to each of us.

It took me a while to fully accept this school of thought, but once I did I was thankful. I'm confident my Prince Charming will come. I'm confident there is something more in store for me out there. But the part I struggle with is patience. Who knows, patience might be wish number 3!

If you really knew me...

So today I caught myself watching If You Really Knew Me, a show on MTV that I have tried to stay away from due to various reasons. The thing that caught my eye and forced me to watch was the fact was it this episode was filmed at Putnam City West High School in Oklahoma City. Being close to home I felt I couldn't just pass the channel and act like I didn't see what I had seen. 

Without delving into the specifics of the show, the premise is one to bring a school together by allowing students to share personal secrets/stories knowing they are in a safe place and free of judgment. The program has a Challenge Day when the students face each other, voice their secrets/stories each of them has been hiding, and vows to overcome the judging, the racism, the bigotry, the sexism, etc. It's this part of the show that brings the students involved, teachers involved, and viewers to tears alike. So needless to say, I was fighting back the tears as I watched this show. If I had been in the room alone, the weatherman might have issued a flash flood warning, but since Kalyn was watching a little bit with me, I bit my lip, gripped the chair, and fought off the tears. These kids shared secrets that range from their sexuality, to feeling guilty and faulted for a close friends' death, to being raised by a grandmother because he has no idea if his homeless mother is dead or alive, and even one student who couldn't find a way to connect at all due to her pretty average and normal upbringing. 

These are teens. 

These are teens...17 and 18 years old....

I'm 33, and I have days where I think my life is rough. My life is not rough. Yes, I am a single mother. Does that make my life rough? No. I've been doing this for nine years, and I'm still standing. My parents have been married 35 years. I have not had a close friend die. I can't empathize with those students. I can't imagine living a life as tough as some of these kids. I can't imagine. 

The one statement that the creator of the If You Really Knew Me program asks students to finish, which makes it the most moving part of the show, is the "If you really knew me, you would know that..." This is the statement that forces those students to be completely honest with not only themselves but with those around them, some of whom they have never even spoken to in class, in the hall, at a game, etc. 

Can you finish that statement? Would you be willing to finish that statement without fear of judgment, isolation, hurt, losing friends, or losing loved ones? I don't know if I could comfortably finish that statement. With the answers that flash through my mind as I finish this statement, a tinge of anxiety sets in. I'm 33 and have anxiety about finishing that statement. These kids are 17-18 years old and are longing for people to care for them, which is probably the reason there is little embarrassment or apprehension about sharing their secrets. 

I can't help but think of how a project like this would go over at Arkansas City High School. I have doubts that our student body could  handle such a serious, life-changing, motivational event as the Challenge Day. 

And this is my struggle....

Some people come into our lives for just a moment, stay briefly, and then swiftly exit. Others come into our lives, lingering with a steady gait, and then slowly vanish. But then there are those people who come into our lives, take up residence, and never leave. I have encountered all three types of these people, and I believe each and every one of them has had a reason for their brief stay, leisurely visit, or their extended stay. The ones who come into our lives for that brief moment, whether it's only a couple of days, weeks, or months, are capable of touching our lives with the same magnitude as someone who has set up shop in our lives and refuse to leave.

So how do we decide who stays and who goes? Do we decide that or does the other party? What prompts someone to leave our lives so quickly, if not by death or some other tragic event?

I can safely say it's hard to let go of those people who just linger around and have no real purpose in our lives. Is it because they linger with no real rhyme or reason as to why they are still here, but we can still sense them hovering in their own special way? These are probably the ones who should have left long ago, yet here they remain. They don't cause harm; they don't really make their presence known on a regular basis; but, there they remain and are the ones we know we can count on in times of need. That is, until they decide they have overstayed their welcome and quietly leave. I am sure some people would call these people "dead weight" and are only in our lives to take up space on our hard drive. I am sure these people will someday exit, but it won't be by force.

The third kind of person who enters our lives is the one who will never leave, despite what we say or do. These are the people who, no matter what, will always remain a true and faithful friend. The downside of having a person(s) like this in our lives is that we often take advantage of these people. We know in the back of our mind that this person will never leave, therefore we think it's ok to take advantage of that friendship and sometimes shut them out when we feel they are not needed, but call them back in when we need them the most. (I keep using the pronoun "we" because I have experienced both sides of this coin.) So who is the truer friend? The one who remains faithful and sticks around even when they are not needed but refuses to leave, or the one who can maintain a friendship like this without hurting the other party? I can't imagine people who go through life without this type of friend or without being this type of friend. I consider myself a good friend, no, check that, a great friend. Yes, I'm sure there are people in my life who would like to disagree, but I think I have a few friends who might agree...just a little.

So where do we categorize those people who are in our lives not by choice, but are here due to the unplanned-for circumstances that we call life? Where do they fit? It's obvious this type of person will always be a part of our lives because there is another life involved, but these may be the same kinds of people who we never really planned on being a "lifer" and just expected them to be only here for a short time. It's hard to let go of these people. As much as we want to kick them out, tell them to take a hike and get the hell on, it's much easier said than done. And from personal experience, it also seems this is the person who has hurt us numerous times, yet here they remain. The direct relationship between the two individuals may not be toxic, but it's the company this person carries that leads to the toxicity of the relationship. Do we severe ties due to outside forces who keep reeking havoc? Do we write the final chapter of that book and start another and act as if that chapter never existed? Is it that easy? In my case....it's not.

It's hard to let go of things that happen to us in the past, or at least for me it is. Closure seems to be the thing that we need to really erase this person from our lives, but do we really want to erase this person, or do we want to simply erase all the bad memories of this person? Is it possible to separate the person from the memories of this person? And this is my struggle.....

People come into your life
for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . .
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are!
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part,
or at an inconvenient time, this person will say
or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered.
And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON....
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons
: things you must build upon in order to have
a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

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