It' been awhile...but I'm baack!

So when I set out do create a blog, I had in mind that I would update on a regular basis thinking that I have plenty from past and/or present to keep my fingers flying across the keyboard. Even though this is true, I have my fair share of sob stories and drama filled experiences from years passed, I haven't had the time. I haven't had the time nor felt like sharing some Debbie Downer depressing stories for the masses. Masses? Ha. Like I have a wide following of readers who religiously follow my blog, which ironically is named after a comment made my someone I try to forget on a daily basis. Maybe that's why I don't blog as often as I like. The title is a constant reminder of him? I wish. He wishes. Look at me being so cynical. I have, indeed, become very cynical in more recent years. Ask my best friend. She'll agree. I swallowed the pill of cynicism many years ago and it is still digesting. Maybe one day, that nasty little thing will dissolve and I'll be a new person. But until then....

My sister created a blog. However, hers is one that she contemplates the subject weeks prior to posting, researches the topic prior to posting, surveys her family and friends before posting. Totally the opposite of this blog. This is what one would call in the literary world - a stream of consciousness. With no particular topic in mind, no direction entered in the GPS, I am going off the top of my head here. If it doesn't make sense to you...quit reading. Back to my sister's blog. Sorry for the digression. Similarly, she likes to discuss men yet compare them to fish or hooks or something like that. I'm all for that, and I love her to death, but being the cynic that I am (remember the undigested pill), it's hard to relate to that subject since I have not had so many guys in the past "be on the hook," as she posted in a recent blog.

But on a more serious note, I admire my sister more than anyone else on this planet. I often reflect on my life and think of all the things I could have done and wanted to do but was often too afraid to pursue. She is doing what she always dreamed of doing. Since she was a little girl, my youngest sister knew she was going to be an interior designer. And here it is, 20 years later, she is graduating from college with a degree in interior design. How sweet it truly is. She is living her dream. With this fact, I can't help but reflect on my own life. I went through six different majors in college (yes, six. You read correctly). And now, here I am in education. What the hell?! I love teaching. I love interacting with the kids. But education? I certainly didn't go into this profession for the money. Anyways, I digress. As she graduates this weekend, I can't help but envy her and feel a tinge of jealousy for accomplishing the goal she set for herself so many years ago. She is truly an amazing person with so much talent, drive, and focus to make in the big city as a big named interior designer or on tv with her own design show. Yep. She's that good. She always says I am her hero. I think I can say the same for her. Love you, sister. 

Speak it into existence....

Lets do a little algebra, shall we? 

right guy + wrong time = fail

wrong guy + right time = fail

wrong guy + wrong time = fail

right guy + right time = undetermined

So, class, what did we learn from this algebra lesson? Well, you probably learned nothing, but I have learned that every time I think I have it figured out and am ready for a relationship, the timing is wrong, the guy is wrong, the situation is complicated, yada, yada, yada. Reading my sister's blog earlier and laughing at her luck with the attraction of younger men, I started thinking about my life at 25 (that's how old she is). At 25, I had a three year old, just moved three hours away from my family to start a new job and new life, and was on the verge of complete and total independence. Talk about a scary time in my life. That was seven years ago. So lets see where I am now at 33. I live three hours away from my family with the same job and same life; I have a ten year old, and I am still completely and totally independent, for the most part. Oh, wait, lets add one more similarity to the list...I was and still am single. So while my sister is worrying about her boobs and attracting younger men, I'm worrying about my weight and hair color and attracting men in general. Now, lets not get it twisted, I have dated in the past seven years since being here, but there is no ring on the finger, there is no man in the house, there is no man blowing up the phone. However, I am happy. I must admit that I'm a tad bit cynical about love, but who isn't? People, life is not a Tyler Perry movie where the single mother finds the hot, muscle laden hunk who falls in love the first time their eyes meet. My life will not happen that way. I can try to speak that phrase into existence all I want, but I know damn well that that is not gonna happen to me! However, (yes, another however) I have attracted my fair share of frogs, therefore my prince is out there somewhere with that glass slipper. I don't think he's in Ark City, but I know he's somewhere. I would hate to think I am destined to a life equivalent to an old lady with 30 cats. I deserve more than that! It's funny when I hear something like, "J, I have always been attracted to you since college, but you were always with someone else." Well, damn it, say something. It could have been you instead of that loser I was with! I'm sure if I had made a different decision here, a different decision there, my life would be significantly different. But He has led to this point and will continue to lead me wherever He sees fit. I just have to trust Him and enjoy the journey.

Since I have run out of things to say for now, I leave you with this: I am adopting a new mantra: It will be if I want it to be. Speak it into existence. 

(I kind of feel like Oprah saying that, like I need to go make a vision board or something.)

If Life Were a Movie....

I have become emotionally attached to songs before, so much that I listen to them over and over again internalizing the words and finding every way the song and lyrics relate to my life. The most recent song I've become attached to is "If This Was a Movie" by Taylor Swift. I know I've posted this before about how I wish my life was like a movie. Despite all the struggles, the guy and girl always end up together in the end. It's either a chance meeting between two strangers or two people who have had a difficult past, but either way, the two end up together. However, life isn't a movie. Life will never be a movie. Life isn't that easy.

Last night I heard my own heart beating
Sounded like footsteps on my stairs
Six months gone and I'm still reaching
Even though I know you're not there
I was playing back a thousand memories baby
Thinkin bout everything we've been through
Maybe i've been going back too much lately
When time stood still and I had you

Come back come back come back to me like
You would you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside til I came out
Come back come back come back to me like
You could you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we can work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

I know people change and these things happen
But I remember how it was back then
Locked up in your arms and our friends are laughing
Cause nothing like this ever happened to them
Now I'm pacing down the hall
Chasing down your street
Flashback to the night when you said to me
Nothings gonna change not for me and you
Not before I knew how much I had to lose

Come back come back come back to me like
You would you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside til i came out
Come back come back come back to me like

You could you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we can work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

If you're out there if you're somewhere if you're moving on
I've be waiting for you ever since you've been gone
I just want it back the way it was before
And i just wanna see you back at my front door
And i'd say

Come back come back come back to me like
You would before you said its not that easy
Before the fight before i locked you out
But i'd take it all back now

Come back come back come back to me like
You would you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside til i came out
Come back come back come back to me like
You could you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we could work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

You'd be here by now
It's not the kind of ending you wanna see now
Baby what about the ending
Oh i thought you'd be here by now oh ohh ohh ohh
That you'd be here by now.

Things happen in our lives, both expected and unexpected, but with me I'm always trying to figure out why those things happen and what I could have done differently to change the outcome. Was I too forceful? Did I not say what you wanted me to say? Did I not say or do enough? What if this wouldn't have happened, would we still be where we are today? What I do wrong that others did right? I could go on and on.

Fear of disappointment is something I constantly struggle with. I'm 33, and I still worry about disappointing people. If I make you made or upset, that's one thing, but if I disappoint you, that's something entirely different. The anger will soon fade, but the disappointment will linger. But how healthy can that be to live a life of constant worry about disappointing those around me? Not very much, I'm sure. There are decisions that I've made that haven't pleased this person or that person, and  I know there will be future decisions that will be made that won't please this person or that person. I have to understand that whatever the decision, if those people who I fear disappointing love me, they will support whatever decision I make and won't judge or stay mad too long. And it's those people who can't accept the decision and be supportive of the decision that I don't need in my life.

So I guess the next step in making a major decision after the fear of disappointment is getting over the fear of making the decision in general. What if this isn't what I want? What if I have imagined this in my mind to play out a certain way, but only to find the reality is completely different? Change is a scary thing, but I can't imagine going through life doing the same thing day after day and not enjoying the life that God has provided for me. What's that quote, "If you don't like something, change it"? If only we had a crystal ball to peer into and see all the things the future holds for us. I wouldn't want to see everything; I'm not that greedy,but I would like to see where I am in the next ten years. I know God has a plan for me, and I can't question that plan that he has laid out for me, but it's hard to really understand that when there are so many obstacles and battles that keep presenting themselves. 

If one decision has been made ten years ago, I know that my life would be drastically different right now. But I can't worry about the past. The past is the past. I don't live in a movie. I can't go back in time and change things. I can control the things right now that I have control over, but I have to put aside those things that I have no control over and simply focus on the here and now and not worry about the fear of disappointment.

Two weeks until 18.

I don't know how my mother did it. I don't know how she raised three girls, two of them being only two years apart. I only have one daughter, but now I am really starting to realize exactly what it means to have a daughter.

She is two weeks from being ten. TEN! Aaaaggghhh!!! Where has the time gone? Ten is double digits. Next thing I know, she'll be fourteen and going to high school and her first homecoming dance. Time has got to slow down...just for a bit at least.

Wednesday nights on ABC is probably the best night of tv ever. The Middle, Modern Family, Cougar Town....so hilarious. So on Cougar Town the other night, Jules' (Courtney Cox) son left for college, which left her in a complete disarray. As funny as the show is, and as I was laughing out loud at most of the humor in the episode, I received a text from my best friend that said "that's totally gonna be you when Kalyn goes to school if you don't have another kid." Oh my gosh, thank you for reminding me of that! So then my life skipped from her being 9 1/2 straight to 18. It scares me beyond belief to even think about the day when she leaves me, when she moves out on her own, when she isn't under my roof everyday and every night. She often tells me she will live with me until she's 30. I'm ok with that. She also tells me I can go to college with her. I'm ok with that. I want to protect her from the big bad world out there. I don't want her bullied. I don't want her to become like some of the rude and hateful little girls I see on a daily basis. I don't want my daughter to be the girl that everyone says is rude, hateful, stuck up, and a royal B. That's not her and that's not the child I have raised.

So anyways, back to the second part of the problem on the show and the second part of the text. Jules is 40 and losing her only child, thus sending her into a nervous breakdown, of sorts, from dealing with him leaving. What if Kalyn is it? What if I only get the chance to have this one child? I don't want to be one of those selfish people when there are women out there who will never be able to have a child, but I do want another child. I guess there's always the sperm bank! Ha! Just joking. If Kalyn is the only child I am meant to have then at least I have done my best thus far to raise her in the right way and teach her to value the important things in life.

I am so glad I had a girl. I wouldn't know what to do with a boy. Having three sisters, all female cousins, and being a girl myself, it just seems natural and easier this way. However, as Kalyn gets older, I know the next few years will bring those changes that I'm not sure I am ready to face. She's already asking for a padded bra. Do they even make a padded bra in her size? Really? Oh, I'm not ready for it all. Let's go back to diapers, bottles, and pacifiers. Let's go back to when she could sit on my lap or lay on my chest and we would sleep for hours at a time.

My little girl is not my little girl anymore. Now, she is two weeks from ten, soon she will be two weeks from 18.

You love to give me wedding rings

I am a sucker for a love song...this played last night at the end of Scrubs, and I have tried before the find who sings this and also the lyrics, and finally I have! Someday my prince will come, I am confident, and he will bring me wedding rings. Well, maybe just one wedding ring would suffice. I don't want to be selfish.

The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures,
and instructions for dancing

But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything
The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it's just transcendental
Some of it's just really dumb

But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything
The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know

But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings

Bibbity Bobbity Boo!

I wish magic wands were real.

I wish fairy tales existed.

I believe in fairy tales, romantic movies, and happy endings. Cynicism hasn't got the best of me yet.....the operative word being yet.

I don't want to become a cynic about love but with each passing day, I find myself questioning life, happiness, and happy endings more and more. I watch romantic movies hoping that one day that happy ending will happen to me. I live in a fairytale world where the girl always gets the guy of her dreams, who just happens to be tall, dark, handsome, has his life in order, doesn't have any skeletons in the closet, isn't afraid of a commitment, etc. Some would say that does exist. Where may I ask? I am 33 and have yet to find anyone or anything close to what happens in Tyler Perry movies or those other romantic movies I watch. I need to venture out of my fantasy world and live a day in the real world. But wait, I live everyday in the real world. The real world of raising a child on my own. The real world of working a full-time job that requires more of my attention than it should. The real world where I want to give my daughter everything but have limited resources. So let's reverse that statement. I need to venture out of the real world and live a day in the fantasy world. There, that sounds better. Where's Tyler Perry when I need him? Is my life thus far movie worthy? Could he afford to fashion a movie after my somewhat uneventful life? I would watch it. But only if I knew the ending. Therein lies the problem with living in a fantasy/movie world. In a movie, I know how it's going to end. In my life, I have no idea. The only certainty at this point is death. That is the only certainty any of us know. So then, where is my magic wand?

One wish is all I need. Ok, well, maybe like three or four. 1. To see my life in twenty years from now. 2. To marry the man of my dreams (hopefully before the afore mentioned twenty years from now). And I will save wishes three and four for me. I can't be telling all my business! I think if I asked some of my friends this question, going back in time might be a wish they have. Not back in time, like in prehistoric, Elizabethan England, colonial times, but just back about ten years to the prime of our college years. Would our lives have changed if we would have made a different decision? Would we will still be where we are today if we had chosen differently, acted differently, or reacted differently those ten or eleven years ago?

 I have learned over time not to question why things happen. If we sit around questioning and worrying and wondering why this happened or why this didn't happen, it would add years to our lives. I don't know about anybody else, but I want those years added to my life not subtracted because I wasted time worrying and wondering if I could have changed anything.

I'm not going to lie, the thought does intrigue me. The thought does sometimes linger, where would I be if I would have stayed with that jackass boyfriend I wasted two years of my life on in college? Scary thought. Makes me cringe just thinking about it. But other thoughts, much more positive thoughts linger as well. Where would my life be right now if I had not had Kalyn? Would I be married? Would I be living where I am today? Would I be in the profession I am? Would I have kids? But we can't dwell on those "what if's." It's not healthy in any way - physically, mentally, or emotionally. We have to be able to see the bigger picture that's been placed before us. We have been given what we have as a gift. A gift that we shouldn't take for granted or every question if we even deserved this gift in the first place. I was given the gift of a child. For others it may be the gift of song, the gift of marriage (which I hope that present is still under the tree with my name on it and I just haven't opened it yet), the gift of wisdom, etc. We can't question. We have to accept it with pride and learn to live with it the best way we know how. It may not be what we wanted or expected, but there is a reason it (the gift) was given to each of us.

It took me a while to fully accept this school of thought, but once I did I was thankful. I'm confident my Prince Charming will come. I'm confident there is something more in store for me out there. But the part I struggle with is patience. Who knows, patience might be wish number 3!

If you really knew me...

So today I caught myself watching If You Really Knew Me, a show on MTV that I have tried to stay away from due to various reasons. The thing that caught my eye and forced me to watch was the fact was it this episode was filmed at Putnam City West High School in Oklahoma City. Being close to home I felt I couldn't just pass the channel and act like I didn't see what I had seen. 

Without delving into the specifics of the show, the premise is one to bring a school together by allowing students to share personal secrets/stories knowing they are in a safe place and free of judgment. The program has a Challenge Day when the students face each other, voice their secrets/stories each of them has been hiding, and vows to overcome the judging, the racism, the bigotry, the sexism, etc. It's this part of the show that brings the students involved, teachers involved, and viewers to tears alike. So needless to say, I was fighting back the tears as I watched this show. If I had been in the room alone, the weatherman might have issued a flash flood warning, but since Kalyn was watching a little bit with me, I bit my lip, gripped the chair, and fought off the tears. These kids shared secrets that range from their sexuality, to feeling guilty and faulted for a close friends' death, to being raised by a grandmother because he has no idea if his homeless mother is dead or alive, and even one student who couldn't find a way to connect at all due to her pretty average and normal upbringing. 

These are teens. 

These are teens...17 and 18 years old....

I'm 33, and I have days where I think my life is rough. My life is not rough. Yes, I am a single mother. Does that make my life rough? No. I've been doing this for nine years, and I'm still standing. My parents have been married 35 years. I have not had a close friend die. I can't empathize with those students. I can't imagine living a life as tough as some of these kids. I can't imagine. 

The one statement that the creator of the If You Really Knew Me program asks students to finish, which makes it the most moving part of the show, is the "If you really knew me, you would know that..." This is the statement that forces those students to be completely honest with not only themselves but with those around them, some of whom they have never even spoken to in class, in the hall, at a game, etc. 

Can you finish that statement? Would you be willing to finish that statement without fear of judgment, isolation, hurt, losing friends, or losing loved ones? I don't know if I could comfortably finish that statement. With the answers that flash through my mind as I finish this statement, a tinge of anxiety sets in. I'm 33 and have anxiety about finishing that statement. These kids are 17-18 years old and are longing for people to care for them, which is probably the reason there is little embarrassment or apprehension about sharing their secrets. 

I can't help but think of how a project like this would go over at Arkansas City High School. I have doubts that our student body could  handle such a serious, life-changing, motivational event as the Challenge Day.