What matters most

I don't remember being as dramatic in high school as teens are these days. I want so bad to tell each and every student I encounter that the friends they make in high school are not the friends they will have for the rest of their lives. The boy she falls in "love" with during high school will not be the one she spends the rest of her life with. Now, I know there are people who will quickly disagree with both of these statements, but this is my blog and based on my experiences, which makes both statements factual and completely truthful. I don't speak to any of my friends from high school except on Facebook time to time or at a class reunion (which my 20th is coming up -- OUCH). I'm not married to my high school sweetheart, mainly because he dumped me our junior year, tried and failed to reconcile briefly during our first year of college, and now don't even speak at all (except at this upcoming reunion -- OUCH).

I want so bad to tell my kids in class that, yes, while grades do matter, will he remember what grade he got in English 1 his freshman year? In ten years, will it matter if he got an A or a C? It will matter, however, how he treated others. Not only do our words speak volumes, our actions speak even louder. Was I a bully because others weren't as "cool" as me? Or because someone didn't dress as nice as me? Or because I was an athlete and others were in drama? It's hard for me to say, as a teacher, that grades don't matter because in the grand scheme of things, they do. As a parent, it's hard for me say that because I want my child to be successful, but how I measure and define success is vastly different from how others measure and define success. I'm more worried about the type of person she is, of what type of person she will become, how she treats others, how others treat her (which I have little control over), all take precedence over her grades.

When I moved to Ark City in 2004, it was just Kalyn and I. I knew no one. My sisters were still in junior high and high school. I have never been so scared in my life. I had a child who was completely dependent on me to make sure the transition from living at home with daily help from my parents to being the single mom in control of her life and mine. Within the year, I met some of the most wonderful people who I still remain close with and can count on if I need anything. Those are the people who matter the most. It's not the people in high school who I was forced to be friends with. It's those people I met in college who, even after 15 years, I know will drop everything to help and support me in a time of crisis. It's those people we meet in our adult lives that are supportive and understanding. It's those people who matter. It's those people who believe in us, touch our lives, and will always have a place in our heart.

Yes, it's important to have friends. Yes, it's important to make good grades. But what's more important are the people we meet during our life that will leave a lasting impression. Hopefully we can be that person for someone else.

A spiritual journey

I'm on a spiritual journey.

I'm on a journey to find myself, understand my purpose, and learn to place Him above all others.

Each Sunday I walk in church with so much happiness and joy. It excites me to be in that place for that hour where I can praise God through song and listen to the weekly message that somehow always speaks to me. I pray for myself. I pray for my family. I pray for Mark. I pray for those close to me. I feel God speaking to me each week I climb those stairs to the Northside Baptist Church in Arkansas City, Kansas.

But then Monday rolls around...Work takes over. Being a mom takes over. Striving to maintain a long-distance relationship takes over.

I lose sight of the feeling I have when I'm in  church on Sunday morning. I lose sight of what is important and where my focus should reside.

While I am eager to know what God's will is for me, I must be patient and understand that I have no control over what His will is for me. He is using me and will use me for His purpose.

God is in control...not me. God is in control...not me.  

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. - Isaiah 55:9.

God has a plan for me professionally. God has a plan for me personally. God has a plan for me as a mother. God has a plan for Mark and I. He brought us together, and hopefully by His will, we will overcome this adversity that has strengthened our relationship and bring us future joy and happiness.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. 

- Proverbs 19:21.

As I continue on this journey, I pray that I continue to grow in my faith while learning to practice patience, trust, understanding, unconditional love, and so many other things that have burdened by heart over the years. It is with a heavy heart that admit I am not a perfect person....but who is? I am a work in progress. My goal: have faith in and follow His word that I may become a better person. One who is capable of giving and accepting more love, one who understands that worry is futile, one who embraces God's control and His will in my life and know He has a plan for me, and one who lives life in a more Godly way. 

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we can also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 

- Romans 5:1-5

I seriously need a life coach

I need a life coach. I need someone to tell me what I should do and when I should do it. I need someone to coach me through important decisions as well as lending me courage to make important decisions. If I was brave enough, I would pack it all up and move to Arizona, Texas, North Carolina, or any other fanciful destination. But will that satisfy me? Will that make me truly happy? It's hard to pack up and move to one of these destinations when I have another life to worry about. I know my 13-year-old is resilient, but just how resilient? I know she would adapt to her surroundings, make friends, and pick up right where she left off. But how do I know she won't be bullied? How do I know she won't make friends and end up hating me for forcing her to give up a life here where she has friends and success? The answer is I don't. I don't know any of these things.

I long for a job where I actually wake up every morning excited to go to work. I long for a job that fulfills me the way a personal relationship does. I long for a job that I can walk away from at the end of the day and say "Damn, I loved work today! That was a good day." I know jobs like this exist. I know people have a job that fullfils them, excites them, and one they are passionate about. But where and how the hell do I find one of those jobs?!

I don't even like baseball...

Life threw me a curveball last week....and I don't even like baseball. Up until this point, 36 has been pretty amazing where my personal life is concerned. I have finally found someone who makes me smile when I'm in the worst mood. He thinks I'm beautiful even when I'm wearing ratty sweats, an oversized hoodie, and not a bit of makeup. I could go on and on, but I will spare all the mushy details. I thought 36 would be the year of Jocelyn after this happened. I was wrong. God and I were not on the same page evidently where my professional life is concerned. I thought I found the perfect job. It was what I had been looking for. It was going to make all the countless nights and weekends completing homework worth it. It was going to complete the year of Jocelyn. Again, I was wrong. I haven't been this distraught over something like this in quite a while. Hearing those words "we've offered the job to someone else" was like a punch in the gut and a kick in the shins that left bruises that still remain a week later. I thought I was a shoe-in. I thought I was qualified, better yet, more than qualified. I had and still do amazing support from friends and family, but it was and still is hard to understand what went wrong when everything was aligned so seemingly perfect. I don't know where I am going professionally...obviously this job wasn't in the master plan. I could sit here and write cliche after cliche of what family and friends have said to me, but those same cliches aren't going to get me my dream job any sooner. So now what? I like my current job, don't get me wrong. But I want a job that I LOVE. I want a job where I wake up every morning excited to go to work. I guess my turn will come. So until then, I will continue to pray and dedicate myself to the hunt in hopes of that perfect job. Maybe 37 will be the year of Jocelyn...professionally speaking.

What if...

What if....
What if this isn't it?
What if this is it?
What if this doesn't work out?
What if this isn't for me?
What if this is not what I want?
What if this is everything I want yet I will never get to experience it?
What if I continue to let my doubts and insecurities consume my every thought?
What if I can't be the person you need?
What if things never change?
What if things never get better?
What if I discontinue to seek God's guidance?
What if I lose your support?
What if I'm not qualified enough?
What if I continue to miss out on the little things because I'm so consumed with the bigger things?
What if I forget what it's like to smile?
What if I continue to live for the future instead of day to day?
What if I'm not enough?
What if I lose sight of what's important?
What if I disappoint you more than I make you happy?
What if I shut people out more than I let them in?
What if I never get the chance at true happiness and the sense of fulfillment?
What if we really meant for each other?
What if all my hopes and dreams DO come true?
What if....

YouAndMe

when I close my eyes I see

the physicalspacebetweenyouandme.

I feel the love, the pain, the pride, the gain

the desire to touch you over and over again.

I taste your skin so salty and yet so sweet

and I long for the day when we can meet

           in a park

              in the dark

                 in the rain. 

but when i open my eyes i realize

the physical        space         between        you            and             me.

i feel the stress, the irritation, the frustration

the desire to end this physical       separation.

i taste the salt from the tears as they stream

down by face longing to make this dream

            a possibility

              a probability 

                a reality. 

You can't control everything...

It's not our job to question God's plan for us or His timing. All we can do is trust that He has a plan for each of us and we will someday realize, as we look back, the timing of the plan was just as He intended. He never fails. He never fails to let us down, and it is this that makes Him to wonderful yet confusing at the same time. No matter how much we think, analyze, process, worry, or even grow angry, there is not a lot we can do to change the course of His plan. This doesn't mean we can be passive participants in our lives because we do have control over the decisions we make and how we choose to respond to trials and tribulations He presents to us. If we continue to live day by day as passive participants, we are missing out on what life is all about. I will be the first to admit that I don't live my life in this way. It's easy to get caught in the day to day routine of work that I forget to smile when things make me happy or to laugh when things are funny. It has taken be 36 years to finally make this statement: Stop worrying over things you cannot control. Worrying, thinking, and overanalyzing is not going to change anything. And once I internalized this statement, I have spent more time enjoying the moment and less time trying to change the course of nature and worrying about what I can't control. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but worrying and trying to control all those tribulations will only sink us more.