What if...

What if....
What if this isn't it?
What if this is it?
What if this doesn't work out?
What if this isn't for me?
What if this is not what I want?
What if this is everything I want yet I will never get to experience it?
What if I continue to let my doubts and insecurities consume my every thought?
What if I can't be the person you need?
What if things never change?
What if things never get better?
What if I discontinue to seek God's guidance?
What if I lose your support?
What if I'm not qualified enough?
What if I continue to miss out on the little things because I'm so consumed with the bigger things?
What if I forget what it's like to smile?
What if I continue to live for the future instead of day to day?
What if I'm not enough?
What if I lose sight of what's important?
What if I disappoint you more than I make you happy?
What if I shut people out more than I let them in?
What if I never get the chance at true happiness and the sense of fulfillment?
What if we really meant for each other?
What if all my hopes and dreams DO come true?
What if....

YouAndMe

when I close my eyes I see

the physicalspacebetweenyouandme.

I feel the love, the pain, the pride, the gain

the desire to touch you over and over again.

I taste your skin so salty and yet so sweet

and I long for the day when we can meet

           in a park

              in the dark

                 in the rain. 

but when i open my eyes i realize

the physical        space         between        you            and             me.

i feel the stress, the irritation, the frustration

the desire to end this physical       separation.

i taste the salt from the tears as they stream

down by face longing to make this dream

            a possibility

              a probability 

                a reality. 

You can't control everything...

It's not our job to question God's plan for us or His timing. All we can do is trust that He has a plan for each of us and we will someday realize, as we look back, the timing of the plan was just as He intended. He never fails. He never fails to let us down, and it is this that makes Him to wonderful yet confusing at the same time. No matter how much we think, analyze, process, worry, or even grow angry, there is not a lot we can do to change the course of His plan. This doesn't mean we can be passive participants in our lives because we do have control over the decisions we make and how we choose to respond to trials and tribulations He presents to us. If we continue to live day by day as passive participants, we are missing out on what life is all about. I will be the first to admit that I don't live my life in this way. It's easy to get caught in the day to day routine of work that I forget to smile when things make me happy or to laugh when things are funny. It has taken be 36 years to finally make this statement: Stop worrying over things you cannot control. Worrying, thinking, and overanalyzing is not going to change anything. And once I internalized this statement, I have spent more time enjoying the moment and less time trying to change the course of nature and worrying about what I can't control. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but worrying and trying to control all those tribulations will only sink us more.

One of life's unexpected curveballs

It wouldn't be the real world if we weren't thrown a curveball every once in a while that tests our faith and belief in all things happening for a reason. I do believe all things happen for a reason. What I do struggle with, however, is the timing of life's curveballs. However, it's not our plan to question His plan for each of us nor the timing of His plan. I am confident that, in the end, I will be able to look back on my life and each of the curveballs I've been thrown and say that they changed me as a person, they made me a stronger and better person, and they were worth all the stress, worry, and anxiety. It's hard to see the sun through all the rain, but we have be confident that the sun will shine again and the stress, worry, and anxiety will be things of the past. As much as I want to live in a Tyler Perry movie and have always said that, I must realize that is not the real world. I want my happy ending, a happy ending I think I deserve, but life is not like the movies. Without His curveballs, how are we going to get that happy ending?

I am 30-something and...

I am 30-something and...

• insecure
• uncomfortable with direct eye contact 
• unsure of myself
• uncomfortable in my own skin
• cynical
• antagonistic 
• emotionally weak
• emotionally scarred 
• pessimistic 
• hard on myself 
• controlling 
• possessive 
• jealous
• hard to love 
• closed off
• moody
• passive-aggressive 
• skeptical
• dissatisfied 
• sarcastic
• bossy

I am 30-something and...

• hopeful
• a hopeless romantic
• optimistic
• independent 
• witty
• ready for love 
• strong
• dependable 
• a great friend 
• a perfectionist 
• forgiving 
• open-minded
• caring
• creative
• thoughtful

Can We Ever Really Expect the Unexpected?

Sometimes things happen in life that we don't expect, and sometimes people come into our lives unexpectedly. Even more, sometimes people come into our lives precisely at the right time to reassure us that not all is bad in the world and there are true, honest, genuine people in this world. I can't look at my life right now and say I expected any of what has happened in the past couple of weeks, months, and even years. All these events have been unexpected....unexpected blessings. So can we ever really expect the unexpected? I guess everyone expects good things to happen in their lives...or do they? Or do we expect the worst while hoping for the best?

As I sit and think about the meaning of that phrase to "expect the unexpected," it really is a difficult one to make meaning of. Should we really expect things to happen? Doesn't this lead to over-thinking and overanalyzing? Instead of expecting certain events to happen, shouldn't we pray for the possibility of good things to happen in our lives and the lives of our loved ones? I wasn't expecting someone to walk into my life three weeks ago and restore my faith in humanity and men in general. I prayed for the possibility of a good man walking into my life who would rebuild trust and faith that I had lost in ever getting my happy ending, show me what honesty is, and allow me to be vulnerable without hesitation. But never did I expect those things....they all came to me unexpectedly.

I can't say or even anticipate where this road leads, but at the moment, it's refreshing...

Have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry.

Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success. - Bryan Adams 

I need to hang this on every wall, mirror, bulletin board, door, etc. in my house. We all have our faults, and this happens to be one of mine. I struggle with patience on a daily basis, whether it be with students, my child, slow drivers, friends, my job, and especially in my personal life. I often wonder if I was raised in a home where I was instantly gratified, thus leading to my incessant need for things to happen now. I don't remember my mother falling into this trap of giving me whatever I wanted as soon as I asked for it, so this lack of patience must have slowly progressed over the years. 


My impatience has not only bred anxiety numerous times, fear, and even failure, it also has bred insecurities. The correlation between the two is somewhat of a stretch, but wanting something to happen and being forced to wait for that something to happen only increases the impatience. The longer the wait, the greater the impatience. And it's only when the outcome I had hoped for, the scenario I formulated and played out in my mind, doesn't come to fruition, the insecurity and fear appears. Therefore questioning myself: What did I do wrong? Am I not good enough? What don't I have that the other person has? Asking those kinds of questions is bound to breed insecurities in the future. 


I must have been patient at some point in my life or I wouldn't have the blessings that I have in my life, but what about those things I don't have yet that I so desperately want? Is my impatience and borderline desperation for them preventing them from happening or me getting what I want? 

Be patient and it will happen. Be patient and things will fall in to place. How many times have I said this to myself, read this, or listened to someone utter this to me, yet struggle to believe and internalize it? Too many times.