Bibbity Bobbity Boo!

I wish magic wands were real.

I wish fairy tales existed.

I believe in fairy tales, romantic movies, and happy endings. Cynicism hasn't got the best of me yet.....the operative word being yet.

I don't want to become a cynic about love but with each passing day, I find myself questioning life, happiness, and happy endings more and more. I watch romantic movies hoping that one day that happy ending will happen to me. I live in a fairytale world where the girl always gets the guy of her dreams, who just happens to be tall, dark, handsome, has his life in order, doesn't have any skeletons in the closet, isn't afraid of a commitment, etc. Some would say that does exist. Where may I ask? I am 33 and have yet to find anyone or anything close to what happens in Tyler Perry movies or those other romantic movies I watch. I need to venture out of my fantasy world and live a day in the real world. But wait, I live everyday in the real world. The real world of raising a child on my own. The real world of working a full-time job that requires more of my attention than it should. The real world where I want to give my daughter everything but have limited resources. So let's reverse that statement. I need to venture out of the real world and live a day in the fantasy world. There, that sounds better. Where's Tyler Perry when I need him? Is my life thus far movie worthy? Could he afford to fashion a movie after my somewhat uneventful life? I would watch it. But only if I knew the ending. Therein lies the problem with living in a fantasy/movie world. In a movie, I know how it's going to end. In my life, I have no idea. The only certainty at this point is death. That is the only certainty any of us know. So then, where is my magic wand?

One wish is all I need. Ok, well, maybe like three or four. 1. To see my life in twenty years from now. 2. To marry the man of my dreams (hopefully before the afore mentioned twenty years from now). And I will save wishes three and four for me. I can't be telling all my business! I think if I asked some of my friends this question, going back in time might be a wish they have. Not back in time, like in prehistoric, Elizabethan England, colonial times, but just back about ten years to the prime of our college years. Would our lives have changed if we would have made a different decision? Would we will still be where we are today if we had chosen differently, acted differently, or reacted differently those ten or eleven years ago?

 I have learned over time not to question why things happen. If we sit around questioning and worrying and wondering why this happened or why this didn't happen, it would add years to our lives. I don't know about anybody else, but I want those years added to my life not subtracted because I wasted time worrying and wondering if I could have changed anything.

I'm not going to lie, the thought does intrigue me. The thought does sometimes linger, where would I be if I would have stayed with that jackass boyfriend I wasted two years of my life on in college? Scary thought. Makes me cringe just thinking about it. But other thoughts, much more positive thoughts linger as well. Where would my life be right now if I had not had Kalyn? Would I be married? Would I be living where I am today? Would I be in the profession I am? Would I have kids? But we can't dwell on those "what if's." It's not healthy in any way - physically, mentally, or emotionally. We have to be able to see the bigger picture that's been placed before us. We have been given what we have as a gift. A gift that we shouldn't take for granted or every question if we even deserved this gift in the first place. I was given the gift of a child. For others it may be the gift of song, the gift of marriage (which I hope that present is still under the tree with my name on it and I just haven't opened it yet), the gift of wisdom, etc. We can't question. We have to accept it with pride and learn to live with it the best way we know how. It may not be what we wanted or expected, but there is a reason it (the gift) was given to each of us.

It took me a while to fully accept this school of thought, but once I did I was thankful. I'm confident my Prince Charming will come. I'm confident there is something more in store for me out there. But the part I struggle with is patience. Who knows, patience might be wish number 3!

If you really knew me...

So today I caught myself watching If You Really Knew Me, a show on MTV that I have tried to stay away from due to various reasons. The thing that caught my eye and forced me to watch was the fact was it this episode was filmed at Putnam City West High School in Oklahoma City. Being close to home I felt I couldn't just pass the channel and act like I didn't see what I had seen. 

Without delving into the specifics of the show, the premise is one to bring a school together by allowing students to share personal secrets/stories knowing they are in a safe place and free of judgment. The program has a Challenge Day when the students face each other, voice their secrets/stories each of them has been hiding, and vows to overcome the judging, the racism, the bigotry, the sexism, etc. It's this part of the show that brings the students involved, teachers involved, and viewers to tears alike. So needless to say, I was fighting back the tears as I watched this show. If I had been in the room alone, the weatherman might have issued a flash flood warning, but since Kalyn was watching a little bit with me, I bit my lip, gripped the chair, and fought off the tears. These kids shared secrets that range from their sexuality, to feeling guilty and faulted for a close friends' death, to being raised by a grandmother because he has no idea if his homeless mother is dead or alive, and even one student who couldn't find a way to connect at all due to her pretty average and normal upbringing. 

These are teens. 

These are teens...17 and 18 years old....

I'm 33, and I have days where I think my life is rough. My life is not rough. Yes, I am a single mother. Does that make my life rough? No. I've been doing this for nine years, and I'm still standing. My parents have been married 35 years. I have not had a close friend die. I can't empathize with those students. I can't imagine living a life as tough as some of these kids. I can't imagine. 

The one statement that the creator of the If You Really Knew Me program asks students to finish, which makes it the most moving part of the show, is the "If you really knew me, you would know that..." This is the statement that forces those students to be completely honest with not only themselves but with those around them, some of whom they have never even spoken to in class, in the hall, at a game, etc. 

Can you finish that statement? Would you be willing to finish that statement without fear of judgment, isolation, hurt, losing friends, or losing loved ones? I don't know if I could comfortably finish that statement. With the answers that flash through my mind as I finish this statement, a tinge of anxiety sets in. I'm 33 and have anxiety about finishing that statement. These kids are 17-18 years old and are longing for people to care for them, which is probably the reason there is little embarrassment or apprehension about sharing their secrets. 

I can't help but think of how a project like this would go over at Arkansas City High School. I have doubts that our student body could  handle such a serious, life-changing, motivational event as the Challenge Day. 

And this is my struggle....

Some people come into our lives for just a moment, stay briefly, and then swiftly exit. Others come into our lives, lingering with a steady gait, and then slowly vanish. But then there are those people who come into our lives, take up residence, and never leave. I have encountered all three types of these people, and I believe each and every one of them has had a reason for their brief stay, leisurely visit, or their extended stay. The ones who come into our lives for that brief moment, whether it's only a couple of days, weeks, or months, are capable of touching our lives with the same magnitude as someone who has set up shop in our lives and refuse to leave.

So how do we decide who stays and who goes? Do we decide that or does the other party? What prompts someone to leave our lives so quickly, if not by death or some other tragic event?

I can safely say it's hard to let go of those people who just linger around and have no real purpose in our lives. Is it because they linger with no real rhyme or reason as to why they are still here, but we can still sense them hovering in their own special way? These are probably the ones who should have left long ago, yet here they remain. They don't cause harm; they don't really make their presence known on a regular basis; but, there they remain and are the ones we know we can count on in times of need. That is, until they decide they have overstayed their welcome and quietly leave. I am sure some people would call these people "dead weight" and are only in our lives to take up space on our hard drive. I am sure these people will someday exit, but it won't be by force.

The third kind of person who enters our lives is the one who will never leave, despite what we say or do. These are the people who, no matter what, will always remain a true and faithful friend. The downside of having a person(s) like this in our lives is that we often take advantage of these people. We know in the back of our mind that this person will never leave, therefore we think it's ok to take advantage of that friendship and sometimes shut them out when we feel they are not needed, but call them back in when we need them the most. (I keep using the pronoun "we" because I have experienced both sides of this coin.) So who is the truer friend? The one who remains faithful and sticks around even when they are not needed but refuses to leave, or the one who can maintain a friendship like this without hurting the other party? I can't imagine people who go through life without this type of friend or without being this type of friend. I consider myself a good friend, no, check that, a great friend. Yes, I'm sure there are people in my life who would like to disagree, but I think I have a few friends who might agree...just a little.

So where do we categorize those people who are in our lives not by choice, but are here due to the unplanned-for circumstances that we call life? Where do they fit? It's obvious this type of person will always be a part of our lives because there is another life involved, but these may be the same kinds of people who we never really planned on being a "lifer" and just expected them to be only here for a short time. It's hard to let go of these people. As much as we want to kick them out, tell them to take a hike and get the hell on, it's much easier said than done. And from personal experience, it also seems this is the person who has hurt us numerous times, yet here they remain. The direct relationship between the two individuals may not be toxic, but it's the company this person carries that leads to the toxicity of the relationship. Do we severe ties due to outside forces who keep reeking havoc? Do we write the final chapter of that book and start another and act as if that chapter never existed? Is it that easy? In my case....it's not.

It's hard to let go of things that happen to us in the past, or at least for me it is. Closure seems to be the thing that we need to really erase this person from our lives, but do we really want to erase this person, or do we want to simply erase all the bad memories of this person? Is it possible to separate the person from the memories of this person? And this is my struggle.....

People come into your life
for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . .
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are!
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part,
or at an inconvenient time, this person will say
or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered.
And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON....
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons
: things you must build upon in order to have
a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Unknown Author

It's been a bumpy ride

Nine years ago on October 25th at 2:13 p.m. in Enid, Oklahoma, I received the most amazing gift anyone could have ever given me. No, it wasn't on my Christmas list or my birthday list, but sometimes the most unexpected gifts are the best. So now as I sit here nine years later and think of where my life has been and what I have worked through and experienced over the last nine years I can see the growth I have made and the adversity I have overcome. I absolutely love, love, love being a mother, and I pray that one day, in the future, that I can relive the experience of watching a child grow inside of me and know that I am the one nourishing it and helping it thrive.

There is no doubt in my mind that I would not have had nearly all the struggles in my life if there had been someone in my life there by my side helping me along, helping me be a parent. I don't think, though, that not having that counterpart there with me affects me or will affect me as much now as it will impact my daughter in the short years to come. I am fearful of the day when she realizes just how much I have done for her to make her happy and she feels guilty for all that. I don't want her to feel guilty. Raising her alone is something, for the most part, that I chose to do. Everyone has the power to change a bad situation to a good. As much as I don't want her to feel guilty, I also do not want her to carry the same burden of regret that I sometimes carry. There are not too many things in my life that I regret, well, actually, none, because we all learn from our mistakes. Making mistakes is the only way one can truly learn and grow as a person. So, yes, I made mistakes, but nothing I would ever want to change. I maybe shouldn't have pushed so hard. I maybe shouldn't have forced things. I maybe shouldn't have tried to control too much. But who knows? All of this has happened for a reason. I believe that the good lord above has presented me with all these obstacles, frustrations, disappointments, heartbreaks, challenges for a reason.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. – Galatians 6:9

Frustration runs deep

Why is that dwelling on the past, reliving the past, remembering the past, and whatever else with the past is always easier than focusing on today and anticipating the future? I struggle on a daily basis with these ever-present thoughts of the past instead of living for today, enjoying what I have in the here and now, and just enjoying the moment. Could it be that I constantly surround myself with memorabilia of the time passed? Could it be that I wish I could back in time and right the wrongs I made? Or could it be that the single most precious and valuable thing in my life is a daily reminder of the past? Frustration then stems from not having answers to important questions. Important questions such as "what if?" and "what did I do so wrong?" and "why that one, not this one?". Will I ever have answers? Will I ever be able to forget and just move on? Forgiveness is a difficult thing. I think I have forgiven the people in my life who have done me wrong, but that does not mean that I have forgotten those wrongs. Does that mean I will carry about that baggage of the inability to forget?

the world is filled with excuses

One of my pet peeves, well one of many, is excuses. I am not a perfect person by any means nor do I claim to be, and I have probably been just as guilty as the next person for making excuses for not wanting to do something, but there are certain times and situations where I could really do without the excuses and would prefer the truth.

Students throw excuses at me all the time, most of them are just that - excuses. Very seldom is there a time when what they tell me is actually the truth. Don't get me wrong, not all my students lie and try to get around the truth, but for the most part if homework is not done there is an excuse, if they are late to class there is an excuse, if they fail a quiz there is an excuse. I expect this. It's the nature of the job. Working with teenagers, one comes to learn about excuses and all the different ones kids have.

But where we do not expect excuses to come from is someone we care about whom we think care about us. It's in relationships, especially the beginning stages of relationships, where excuses should be avoided. If we are not interested, if we are too busy, if we are afraid of getting hurt, if we are not ready, say it. Instead of pointing out the flaws, which we all know we have, focus on the excuses that are being thrown around. Focus that energy in making the excuses somewhere else. It takes courage to speak the truth. But as adults, even more, as humans, we are expected to speak the truth and be honest with each other. Honesty is not an easy pill to swallow nor an easy pill to administer, but in the end, it is what everyone wants and deserves.

We all have days where nothing seems to go right. We all have days when we think things cannot get much worse. I have had plenty of those days. But instead of focusing on all the negative, which is so much easier to do, what about the good things we have? What about the amazing child that lights up the room every time he or she walks through the door? What about the roof that is over our heads? What about the amazing people in our lives whom we call our friends? Why not focus on the positive things that God has given us instead of focusing on all the negativity this world embodies?

I am thankful for the life that God has given me. Even though I don't always say thank you and give back as much as I should, I am still grateful. I admit that I am guilty of making excuses; I admit that I have my flaws; I admit that I still carry around thoughts and feelings from the past, but all those things I am working on. My life is a work in progress. No one is perfect. It's hard to see the imperfections in some people, but I am sure they exist. I thank God for each day that I am here and for each day that I am given with my daughter.

I think I have digressed from the intention of this, but sometimes those things happen. Just as in life, the plan we have for ourselves does not always end up where we planned.

My, oh, my.....the life of a teacher!

So I must begin with a funny thing I overheard a student say the other day in class. Let me preface it by saying that my room is being used by another teacher during my plan period so I often stay in my room while she is teaching. The class she is teaching is a group of students who have not yet passed English I, which was to be passed their freshman year. There are several in the class who should technically be juniors by age but are still freshman by credits. Anyways, I don't even know what they were talking about but one student asked the question, "Why did they invent school?" I tried my hardest not to laugh and could only picture our country made up of these types of people who would never ever step foot in a school unless there was some kind of law that made them. Wow, can we say white trash hillbillies taking over the world? There were so many other things I wanted to say to this student, but for a sundry of reasons I kept my mouth shut and continued on with my business.

Do kids today not realize that without an education they are going nowhere? I guess maybe drug dealers or meth manufacturers wouldn't need a high school diploma, but how would they know how much of each substance to measure out, or how much change to give back to a buyer? I am amazed still at the number of kids who think floating through high school without so much as raising a finger or even minutely working is going to get them somewhere. I will admit that school is not for everyone, but what I think that means is school after high school is not for everyone. College is not for everyone is what I mean. This is not the problem I have with the kids I see walk the halls in our school today. The problem I see is apathy. But how can I change a person's attitude and make them care? That is next to impossible. Either we care or we don't. Is there a gray area there? I am positive they care about their cars, money, clothes, friends, having a good time on the weekends, but when it comes to school, that caring is nowhere to be found. So how do we change that?

I am scared for my daughter to grow up in this world. I don't want her to be pulled down by all the negativity around her. I want to shelter her from all the harm and evil the world has to offer. Let me deal with it; Let me face it; Let me take the brunt of the pain for her.

I will save the rest of my rant for another time.
-Jocelyn :)