i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I absolutely fell in love with this poem after watching a movie several years ago where Cameron Diaz read this at her sister's wedding. It was such a moving part of the movie that it almost brought me to tears. Actually, it did bring me to tears.

Poetry, for some people, is difficult to read and takes the reader nowhere. As a teacher, I see this all the time with students who don't like poetry simply because they "don't get it." What's not to get? Poetry has its own special message for each person who reads it. That, to me, is the beauty of poetry. If the reader cannot grasp even a small fraction of the message the poet is trying to convey then the beauty and true message is missed. I once had a teacher who said there is no right way to interpret a poem, it can mean so many different things, it's just how the reader interprets it. However, the problem with that is is that so many people need a black and white answer and leave no room for individual interpretation or any gray. I have kids who need to me to tell them exactly what the poem is saying in order for them to understand, giving them the metaphors and the symbolism and all the small pieces that makes the poem so appealing. To me, that takes away the beauty of reading poetry and connecting with poetry. If I have to tell you what it means then you have completely missed the boat. Let the poem speak to you. Feel the poem. 

I love this poem for the simple message the poet is conveying. No, I am not going to sit here and tell you what I think the poem says or means, because like I said, it must be the duty of the reader to interpret the poem and apply it however deems fitting. Read it. What does it say to you? 

Everything happens for a reason....

I found this on the Internet yesterday and completely agree 100% with what it says. It's those things in life that seem difficult at the time that end up paying huge dividends in the end. What may seem difficult at the time turns out to be a true blessing and happened for a reason. Even those horrible experiences were placed before us for a reason - to teach us how to adapt, to change, to grow, to deal, to learn. Life is a learning experience. I am still learning. I think once a person stops learning then life has no more meaning or significance. Whether it's learning about another person, learning about ourselves, or learning in general, life is about that.

Writing is my escape. I am not the best with words so when I can find a poem, a song, a card that says exactly what I am feeling or needing to say then that will be what I use to express those feelings. I wish I could take credit for writing the poem, but I think as I read and reread it I identify with it more and more.

People are brought into our lives to teach us about not only them but about us as well. We can grow from knowing that person. He or she can teach us something about ourselves that we didn't know even existed. Those people can push us to become a better person.

So here's the poem. Life happens. Life goes on whether we are ready for not. If we are not prepared then we will miss out. I don't want to miss out on what life has to offer me. I know there is something wonderful in store for me. Patience is something that I struggle with, however.

Everything Happens for a Reason

Sometimes people come into your life
and you know right away that they were meant to be there,
they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson
or help figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be;
your roommate, your neighbor, professor, long lost friend, lover
or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them,
you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you
and at the time they seem horrible, painful and unfair,
but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles
you would never have realized your potential, strength, will power of heart.

Everything happens for a reason.
Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck.
Illness, injury, love, lost moments or true greatness and sheer stupidity
all occur to test the limits of the soul.

Without these small tests,
if they be events, illnesses or relationships,
life would be like a smooth paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life and successes and downfalls you experience,
they are the ones who create who you are.
Even the bad experience can be learned from...
Those lessons are the hardest and probably the most important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart...
forgive them,
for they have helped you learn about trust
and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you,
love them back unconditionally,
not only because they love you,
but because they are teaching you to love
and opening your heart and eyes to things
you would have never seen or felt without them.

Make every day count.
Appreciate every moment
and take from it everything that you possibly can,
for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people you have never talked to before,
and actually listen,
let yourself fall in love,
break free and set your sights high.

You can make of your life anything you wish.
Create your own life and then go out and live it.

~~ Author Unknown ~~

Why settle?

I really enjoy when people look to me as an example for how to live single and relationship free and be completely fine with it. This strikes me as funny. I don't know why though. Could it be that I have not been in ONE serious relationship in the last eight years? Could it be that I haven't been on ONE real date in the last eight years? Who knows, but it still makes me laugh. Relationships are a tricky thing, especially when you have a child involved. Children change everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. No more making those spur of the moment decisions to go out or leave town on a whim. No more going to the bar every night looking for a man of the moment. No more decisions made just for me. Now, by all means that is not everything that changes, but those are a few that are acceptable to mention. Anyways, I have never been one to be in one relationship after another. I have never been one that always needs a guy by my side to make me complete or feel loved and secure. I think even before my daughter came along I wasn't this type of person. I don't understand those people who say they must have a boyfriend or they will just die and cannot go a week without having a boyfriend. In and out of relationships is not that healthy, honestly. Do those girls really know who they are? Do those girls really know what they want? Do those girls really know the meaning of single? It took me a long time to really figure out who I am and what I want out of life and especially in a relationship with another human being. So that is why it was so easy for me to live the past eight years single, independent, and content. I have grown into a better person, a stronger person, and at times, a more cynical person. Yes, that comes with the territory of seeing friends around me living a life in a long term relationship with kids or getting married. But I know who I am and what I want. Now don't get me wrong, there were times when I longed for someone to be there with me and to help me through raising a child, but if I would have given in to that I would have been settling. No one deserves to settle for something less than what they want. I don't plan on settling. If it's written in the stars that I am supposed to spend the rest of my life single, raising my child, and grow old and be known as the "old cat lady" then that's fine. But I don't think that is what God has planned for me. I really do think there is something or someone out there waiting to give me what I deserve. Everyone wants the fairy tale ending where we live happily ever after. I would rather be happy, know who I am, know what I want, than settle for someone that will not make me happy for the rest of my life. I don't ask for a lot in a relationship, but I do want to be happy. And for once in a long time, I can finally say that I am happy. I have my life in order and together and now it's time to let someone else in to add that missing piece of the puzzle.

I am a hopeless romantic...

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

I wish I could take credit for thinking of this and actually publishing this, but I cannot. However, after stumbling upon this earlier I keep going back to it and rereading it and truly connecting to it. It's funny how, when I look at my life just a month or two ago, how cynical I had become about ever finding someone in my life that will make me happy. I was completely cynical about finding the "perfect guy." I have been looking 32 years for the perfect guy never stopping to ask myself if he really exists. I never stopped to actually ask myself what exactly does that phrase "the perfect guy" mean? Does he have to have a "perfect" body? Does he have to have a "perfect" personality? I don't think so. Don't get me wrong, I have not lowered my standards by any means, but as I have aged (ha, aged) I have realized that by no means am I going to find perfection. But what I am going to find is someone who is "perfect" for me. I am going to find someone who is honest, caring, trusting, focused, driven, determined, loving, fatherly, dedicated, fun, devoted, and in love and there for me. Have I found that yet? Is there one person that exhibits all those traits? Two months ago I would have said no, not only no but hell no! But as I am venturing into the world of a life without so much skepticism and cynicism, I am realizing there may be someone in my life that may exhibit all those traits.

hope is a thing with feathers....

I am tired. But for the first time in a long time I am not emotionally tired or mentally tired, this is just a physically tired feeling. For the first time in a long time I feel like things are starting to swing my way. I don't want to go into too much detail for fear of jinxing anything, so hopefully after tomorrow I will be able to elaborate on this good thing that I feel is finally coming to me. Like I said in my last blog or the one before, I need to make a change. I am trying that. Summer is giving me all the time that I need to make some personal changes and I am taking full advantage of that time.

Father's Day just passed. I always have a hard place in my heart for that special day. Not because I lost my father and pray that that won't happen anytime soon, but I have a hard spot in my heart relating to my daughter. I have said this before and will continue to say it, but being in the situation I am in with my daughter is the best for me and for her. Yes, I would love for her to have a "dad" in her life on a regular basis, but as I see it now and probably for a really long time that will not happen. So, not only am I the mother, I am also the father. Yes, it is hard. Yes, I wish things were different. No, I would not trade playing both roles for anything. It will be hard to let someone in my life who wants to take the reigns and take care of me and my daughter, and it will be hard for me to let someone take care of Kalyn and me. So on that note, I am ready. I am so ready for all that comes with being in that place. I have waited, I have prayed, I have worked, I have been patient. And now, I think, I pray, I believe it all might have paid off. I am keeping my fingers crossed this time. It's so funny how quickly things change. Jobs change, friends change, lives change, but feelings about a person rarely change. You might disagree and challenge me on that statement, but how is it that a person someone knew and cared about almost ten years ago can suddenly reappear and it is possible to go straight back to those feelings you had all those years ago?

The doctor is in!

I have self diagnosed myself officially with a sleep disorder and anxiety problems. I cannot sleep, even if I wanted to. I constantly feel nervous and anxious. There are several contributing factors to these two ailments. Since I can't make the contributing factors disappear I need to start medicating myself in order to deal. I was up until 2:30 a.m. Monday morning due to storms and tornadoes in the area. I was awakened this morning at 4:45 by a lightning show taking place outside my window. Needless to say I am not a fan of storms. I do not mind the occasional rain shower now and again or a little rumble of thunder here and there, but the severe storms get me all worked up. I have decided something traumatic had to have happened in my childhood that caused me to have such a storm phobia. I must have repressed that memory so deep that it will never surface.

I try to take naps to ease the sleepless night and tired issue, but that only creates more problems. I do not fall asleep very quickly so that means my mind has free reign to think about whatever it wants. My mind wanders and roams to the most obscure and outrageous thoughts. It doesn't help that my daughter is not with me for the summer. I think if she were here I would have more time to talk to her and less time to think about things that don't need to be thought about.

Then this all leads to the anxiety issue that I am currently suffering from. Due the amount of information and different scenarios playing out in my mind involving my personal life, it causes me to become nervous feeling, anxious, jittery. Ugh. I would like that feeling to subside.

So, yep, I'm a doctor. Add it to my list of all my other titles, this one probably being one of the more impressive ones. Well, I'm signing off for today so I can go suffer from anxiety and let my mind wander to needless flights of fancy.

-Jocelyn :)

it's a hard knock life....

I have sat down five different times today to try to write something in this blog, but apparently it is summer and I am suffering from writers block. I guess I am trying to write something poetic, touching, moving, blah, blah, blah, but that is obviously not happening. Could it be that I have so many other things on my mind that is so far from moving and touching that I can't possibly find those words? Could it be that I am just not in the moving and touching state of mind? Whatever it is, I will probably start rambling at any point...but whatever.

So I have been in Mooreland for four days to see Kalyn. I went to a softball game, I watched her swim, I listened to all of her stories - all of those I have missed in the three weeks since she has been at my parents. I cannot believe she will be 9 years old in a few short months. Holy cow, where has the time gone? And I have said this in my other blogs, but she is truly the best thing that has happened to me. I cannot even imagine where I would be today if I had not had her. Would I still have the same friends today as I did 8 1/2 years ago? Would I have met such amazing people that eventually became my dearest and closest friends? Would I still be single? Ha. Would I still be single? I would say yes. I want perfection. That sounds so superficial and so far-fetched and this is probably the single biggest reason I am still solo. But the other two questions I would have to say no. I know it sounds weird, but I know that everything that has happened in my life in the past 8 1/2 years is directly connected to Kalyn. Everything happens for a reason. Kalyn was brought to me for a reason. My amazing friends in Ark City/Winfield/Stillwater/and now Virginia were all brought to me for a reason. It is not my job to ask why, nor is it my job to attempt to figure that out, but it is my job to live every day with these gifts and cherish them as long as I may live.

People have come in and out of my life, several of them I know why, but I won't delve into that because it's not that hard to figure out. However, there are a few people who disappear from my mind and life for a short time, yet they reemerge when least expected. Again, it's not my job to figure out why but merely to accept it, be excited about it, and know that time will tell what role this person will play in my life.

I need to make a change in my life. I need to make some personal changes. It takes 21 days to make something a habit. Therefore, I am thinking that I will set aside 21 days between now and August to start some of those changes. I need to exercise. I need to budget my money. I need to lose weight. I need to make things happen for myself instead of sitting back and waiting on things to happen to me. I know I can't change myself overnight, but there is promise and this voice in the back of my mind telling me to start enjoying life and embracing life instead of sitting on my ass doing nothing while waiting for something good to happen to me. I had this crazy idea that I needed to sit down and make a list of all the things I want to do before I die. Apparently that was just a crazy thought in my mind because I haven't even come close to making that list. So I guess that is where I need to start. But honestly, probably not going to happen tonight. I have a daughter to spend time with.

Lots of rambles,
-Jocelyn :)