It's been a bumpy ride

Nine years ago on October 25th at 2:13 p.m. in Enid, Oklahoma, I received the most amazing gift anyone could have ever given me. No, it wasn't on my Christmas list or my birthday list, but sometimes the most unexpected gifts are the best. So now as I sit here nine years later and think of where my life has been and what I have worked through and experienced over the last nine years I can see the growth I have made and the adversity I have overcome. I absolutely love, love, love being a mother, and I pray that one day, in the future, that I can relive the experience of watching a child grow inside of me and know that I am the one nourishing it and helping it thrive.

There is no doubt in my mind that I would not have had nearly all the struggles in my life if there had been someone in my life there by my side helping me along, helping me be a parent. I don't think, though, that not having that counterpart there with me affects me or will affect me as much now as it will impact my daughter in the short years to come. I am fearful of the day when she realizes just how much I have done for her to make her happy and she feels guilty for all that. I don't want her to feel guilty. Raising her alone is something, for the most part, that I chose to do. Everyone has the power to change a bad situation to a good. As much as I don't want her to feel guilty, I also do not want her to carry the same burden of regret that I sometimes carry. There are not too many things in my life that I regret, well, actually, none, because we all learn from our mistakes. Making mistakes is the only way one can truly learn and grow as a person. So, yes, I made mistakes, but nothing I would ever want to change. I maybe shouldn't have pushed so hard. I maybe shouldn't have forced things. I maybe shouldn't have tried to control too much. But who knows? All of this has happened for a reason. I believe that the good lord above has presented me with all these obstacles, frustrations, disappointments, heartbreaks, challenges for a reason.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. – Galatians 6:9

Frustration runs deep

Why is that dwelling on the past, reliving the past, remembering the past, and whatever else with the past is always easier than focusing on today and anticipating the future? I struggle on a daily basis with these ever-present thoughts of the past instead of living for today, enjoying what I have in the here and now, and just enjoying the moment. Could it be that I constantly surround myself with memorabilia of the time passed? Could it be that I wish I could back in time and right the wrongs I made? Or could it be that the single most precious and valuable thing in my life is a daily reminder of the past? Frustration then stems from not having answers to important questions. Important questions such as "what if?" and "what did I do so wrong?" and "why that one, not this one?". Will I ever have answers? Will I ever be able to forget and just move on? Forgiveness is a difficult thing. I think I have forgiven the people in my life who have done me wrong, but that does not mean that I have forgotten those wrongs. Does that mean I will carry about that baggage of the inability to forget?