2015 is upon us!

2014 has been interesting to say the least. It has been a year full of happiness, blessings, and love intertwined with moments of sadness, loss, hardships, and disappointments. As I look back on this past year and all it brought, I can't help but look forward to 2015 with excitement and enthusiasm.

Every year, I sit down on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day and write a list of resolutions. I'm sure this year will be no different. However, maybe this year, I will try to write realistic resolutions that I can accomplish and want to accomplish.

So what exactly is a resolution? Google defines resolution as a firm decision to do or not to do something. According to Wikipedia, each year the ancient Babylonians made promises to their gods to return borrowed objects and pay their debts. Considering I have numerous debts, I shall take a note from the Babylonians and consider making this one of my resolutions for 2015.  In the medieval era, knights took the "peacock vow" at the end of the Christmas season to reaffirm their commitment to chivalry. I guess my "peacock vow" can be to more courteous, polite, and mannerly to others. Hmmm...I will have to think on that one. In short, resolutions are made to reflect upon self-improvement. 

Self-improvement. Yes. I need to improve myself.

• I need to lose weight. 
• I need to eat healthier. 
• I need to communicate my thoughts and feelings better. 
• I need to be less sarcastic. 
• I need to worry less. 
• I need to be more present. 
• I need to put down my phone and enjoy life. 
• I need to...
• I need to...
• I need to...

(This list could go on and on...) 

*And if anyone is looking for some pre-made resolutions, Wikipedia offers a pretty good list of ideas.*

I would like to meet a person who has made a list of resolutions and has met all of them by the end of the year. Now, I'm not talking a list of 2-3 resolutions that even a child could accomplish, but a real list. Do those people really exist? What do those resolutions look like? Those people have way more self-control than I do. 

(Maybe one of my resolutions should be to stick to the resolutions I make. Nope. Nevermind. Immediate fail.)

I don't think it's realistic to make resolutions that one hopes to accomplish during the entire year. Why not make monthly resolutions? I read a list of monthly resolutions by a follower on Twitter. Genius idea. 

• In January, I plan to not complain about the cold weather all the time. It's January after all. 
• In February, I plan to wear something besides all black on Valentine's Day. Love is a wonderful thing...according to some. 
• In March, I plan to spend a majority of the month watching college basketball. Oh, wait, I already do that. I guess I should think of something else for March. 

(I can do this. This month-to-month resolution thing seems a lot better and lot more doable than making yearlong resolutions.) 

So, my friends, I leave you with this that I learned a long time ago but really internalized in 2014: We can't control everything. Life happens whether we are ready or not. We can't live in the past or worry about the future. Enjoy each day and the little moments of happiness, positivity, or blessings. 

And now off to write my monthly resolutions! Happy 2015, everyone! 

What matters most

I don't remember being as dramatic in high school as teens are these days. I want so bad to tell each and every student I encounter that the friends they make in high school are not the friends they will have for the rest of their lives. The boy she falls in "love" with during high school will not be the one she spends the rest of her life with. Now, I know there are people who will quickly disagree with both of these statements, but this is my blog and based on my experiences, which makes both statements factual and completely truthful. I don't speak to any of my friends from high school except on Facebook time to time or at a class reunion (which my 20th is coming up -- OUCH). I'm not married to my high school sweetheart, mainly because he dumped me our junior year, tried and failed to reconcile briefly during our first year of college, and now don't even speak at all (except at this upcoming reunion -- OUCH).

I want so bad to tell my kids in class that, yes, while grades do matter, will he remember what grade he got in English 1 his freshman year? In ten years, will it matter if he got an A or a C? It will matter, however, how he treated others. Not only do our words speak volumes, our actions speak even louder. Was I a bully because others weren't as "cool" as me? Or because someone didn't dress as nice as me? Or because I was an athlete and others were in drama? It's hard for me to say, as a teacher, that grades don't matter because in the grand scheme of things, they do. As a parent, it's hard for me say that because I want my child to be successful, but how I measure and define success is vastly different from how others measure and define success. I'm more worried about the type of person she is, of what type of person she will become, how she treats others, how others treat her (which I have little control over), all take precedence over her grades.

When I moved to Ark City in 2004, it was just Kalyn and I. I knew no one. My sisters were still in junior high and high school. I have never been so scared in my life. I had a child who was completely dependent on me to make sure the transition from living at home with daily help from my parents to being the single mom in control of her life and mine. Within the year, I met some of the most wonderful people who I still remain close with and can count on if I need anything. Those are the people who matter the most. It's not the people in high school who I was forced to be friends with. It's those people I met in college who, even after 15 years, I know will drop everything to help and support me in a time of crisis. It's those people we meet in our adult lives that are supportive and understanding. It's those people who matter. It's those people who believe in us, touch our lives, and will always have a place in our heart.

Yes, it's important to have friends. Yes, it's important to make good grades. But what's more important are the people we meet during our life that will leave a lasting impression. Hopefully we can be that person for someone else.

A spiritual journey

I'm on a spiritual journey.

I'm on a journey to find myself, understand my purpose, and learn to place Him above all others.

Each Sunday I walk in church with so much happiness and joy. It excites me to be in that place for that hour where I can praise God through song and listen to the weekly message that somehow always speaks to me. I pray for myself. I pray for my family. I pray for Mark. I pray for those close to me. I feel God speaking to me each week I climb those stairs to the Northside Baptist Church in Arkansas City, Kansas.

But then Monday rolls around...Work takes over. Being a mom takes over. Striving to maintain a long-distance relationship takes over.

I lose sight of the feeling I have when I'm in  church on Sunday morning. I lose sight of what is important and where my focus should reside.

While I am eager to know what God's will is for me, I must be patient and understand that I have no control over what His will is for me. He is using me and will use me for His purpose.

God is in control...not me. God is in control...not me.  

For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. - Isaiah 55:9.

God has a plan for me professionally. God has a plan for me personally. God has a plan for me as a mother. God has a plan for Mark and I. He brought us together, and hopefully by His will, we will overcome this adversity that has strengthened our relationship and bring us future joy and happiness.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. 

- Proverbs 19:21.

As I continue on this journey, I pray that I continue to grow in my faith while learning to practice patience, trust, understanding, unconditional love, and so many other things that have burdened by heart over the years. It is with a heavy heart that admit I am not a perfect person....but who is? I am a work in progress. My goal: have faith in and follow His word that I may become a better person. One who is capable of giving and accepting more love, one who understands that worry is futile, one who embraces God's control and His will in my life and know He has a plan for me, and one who lives life in a more Godly way. 

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we can also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 

- Romans 5:1-5

I seriously need a life coach

I need a life coach. I need someone to tell me what I should do and when I should do it. I need someone to coach me through important decisions as well as lending me courage to make important decisions. If I was brave enough, I would pack it all up and move to Arizona, Texas, North Carolina, or any other fanciful destination. But will that satisfy me? Will that make me truly happy? It's hard to pack up and move to one of these destinations when I have another life to worry about. I know my 13-year-old is resilient, but just how resilient? I know she would adapt to her surroundings, make friends, and pick up right where she left off. But how do I know she won't be bullied? How do I know she won't make friends and end up hating me for forcing her to give up a life here where she has friends and success? The answer is I don't. I don't know any of these things.

I long for a job where I actually wake up every morning excited to go to work. I long for a job that fulfills me the way a personal relationship does. I long for a job that I can walk away from at the end of the day and say "Damn, I loved work today! That was a good day." I know jobs like this exist. I know people have a job that fullfils them, excites them, and one they are passionate about. But where and how the hell do I find one of those jobs?!

I don't even like baseball...

Life threw me a curveball last week....and I don't even like baseball. Up until this point, 36 has been pretty amazing where my personal life is concerned. I have finally found someone who makes me smile when I'm in the worst mood. He thinks I'm beautiful even when I'm wearing ratty sweats, an oversized hoodie, and not a bit of makeup. I could go on and on, but I will spare all the mushy details. I thought 36 would be the year of Jocelyn after this happened. I was wrong. God and I were not on the same page evidently where my professional life is concerned. I thought I found the perfect job. It was what I had been looking for. It was going to make all the countless nights and weekends completing homework worth it. It was going to complete the year of Jocelyn. Again, I was wrong. I haven't been this distraught over something like this in quite a while. Hearing those words "we've offered the job to someone else" was like a punch in the gut and a kick in the shins that left bruises that still remain a week later. I thought I was a shoe-in. I thought I was qualified, better yet, more than qualified. I had and still do amazing support from friends and family, but it was and still is hard to understand what went wrong when everything was aligned so seemingly perfect. I don't know where I am going professionally...obviously this job wasn't in the master plan. I could sit here and write cliche after cliche of what family and friends have said to me, but those same cliches aren't going to get me my dream job any sooner. So now what? I like my current job, don't get me wrong. But I want a job that I LOVE. I want a job where I wake up every morning excited to go to work. I guess my turn will come. So until then, I will continue to pray and dedicate myself to the hunt in hopes of that perfect job. Maybe 37 will be the year of Jocelyn...professionally speaking.

What if...

What if....
What if this isn't it?
What if this is it?
What if this doesn't work out?
What if this isn't for me?
What if this is not what I want?
What if this is everything I want yet I will never get to experience it?
What if I continue to let my doubts and insecurities consume my every thought?
What if I can't be the person you need?
What if things never change?
What if things never get better?
What if I discontinue to seek God's guidance?
What if I lose your support?
What if I'm not qualified enough?
What if I continue to miss out on the little things because I'm so consumed with the bigger things?
What if I forget what it's like to smile?
What if I continue to live for the future instead of day to day?
What if I'm not enough?
What if I lose sight of what's important?
What if I disappoint you more than I make you happy?
What if I shut people out more than I let them in?
What if I never get the chance at true happiness and the sense of fulfillment?
What if we really meant for each other?
What if all my hopes and dreams DO come true?
What if....

YouAndMe

when I close my eyes I see

the physicalspacebetweenyouandme.

I feel the love, the pain, the pride, the gain

the desire to touch you over and over again.

I taste your skin so salty and yet so sweet

and I long for the day when we can meet

           in a park

              in the dark

                 in the rain. 

but when i open my eyes i realize

the physical        space         between        you            and             me.

i feel the stress, the irritation, the frustration

the desire to end this physical       separation.

i taste the salt from the tears as they stream

down by face longing to make this dream

            a possibility

              a probability 

                a reality.